The Start of A New Week

"Where there's life, there's hope, your majesty?"

       - Eugenides, the Queen of Attolia 

          by Megan Whalen Turner

A new week, I screwed up over the weekend, I'm not gonna screw up this week. I'm starving myself indefinitely... And I really really want to be 37 kg by June, but that's a bit unattainable, since I'm hovering around 39-40 now... :( stupid me, not to start earlier. 

Well, actually I did start. Just that I was too weak. In any case, I'm fed up with being weak. Yesterday, I didn't end up getting anything done towards the Econs test later so I'm screwed.  And to top off the shitty Sunday, the idiot who interviewed me about the band concert on Saturday night included my name in the write-up. So now I feel generally disliked and somewhat hunted, so I retreated from Facebook to my Attolia account (which is a virtual panic room of sorts. Just my BFFs and I.) and I'mstaying  there until I feel less... Hated >< 

Not going to practice eupho today and feeling somewhat lost :P I've grown so used to practicing all the time. Uh-oh, this is bad xD need to spend time on studies, too! xD

Here's to a good week, everyone. :)

Mood Swings Are Annoying

Hey :)

Yay band concert was yesterday! And I was having mood swings again, as the title suggests. We had section breakfast in the morning, three of my year mates and one senior. Section leader T decided not to show up. (As usual.)

Then the boys bought poker cards and started playing bridge and I got bored so I left and went to practice :) My section mate J is an ass! When we were moving instruments he asked if I was sure I could carry the vibraphone. If I took it I must know I can carry it, right?! Sigh. Well, forgivable. I do, after all, "look small and somewhat delicate", as my BFF C later told me. At least he reversed that judgement during the photo taking when we were holding our euphos over our heads - and I outlasted the guys! >) xD petty pride much! x) "eh Michelle is actually quite strong huh" indeed xD

But later when I passed a note to V he snatched it and read it. There was a note for him too but I was too annoyed and hurt to pass it to him. ;_; It turns out I worry when I don't have anything else to do; I was fretting myself silly before the concert but once we got moving on stage I was fine. All in all I had a great time and the show went pretty well :) Except for J's file, which went missing with his Extreme Makeover score inside. V and I ran all around the stage and backstage to look for it but we couldn't find it. 

And so this morning I was so surprised to receive a text from J saying that I did well considering I don't have secondary school training, he's glad I have a passion for music, my hours of self-practice did pay off and he was touched that I went all the way to the opposite end of the stage and got scolded just to look for his file. :) well, all forgiven >< I guess being nice does pay off! 

Still a tad miffed that he snatched V's note though. :P

Ten Hours In

Yes! So 10 hours into the mega-fast! I'm pretty mind-blown by how I've changed over the past 2 years. I mean, who thought I would be the depressed self-harming anorexic girl who hides everything behind "I'm fine" and a smile?

I'm not pro-ana, despite all that I congratulate people on Instagram when they attain their goal weights. I think I am pro-happiness. If what you do makes you happy, who am I to deprive you of that happiness in favour of your supposed well-being? But if pro-ana means glamorizing anorexia, nope. Well yes, I adopt Ana as a lifestyle, to help cope with my depression. But put it this way: neither cutting, nor Ana, nor psychosis is good, and if I choose to live by Ana, who cares? It makes me feel happy and in control.

Ok sorry half-coherent rant over x) Sigh. I shall have a glass of iced lemon tea this morning. I'll burn it off later anyway; there's band! :) yay! I don't know when I started loving band so much. I mean, of course I love band, but 2 months ago I was wondering seriously why I'd joined band, and feeling so awful about my playing that the entire feeling was pretty crippling. Now I'm enjoying band, playing together, even though I know I'm pretty bad. But at least I can play something decrntly(Sheltering Sky ftw. Even though it's such a shitty delicate piece because of the tuning and crap.) I'm starting enjoy everything a bit more, including self-practice and even sectionals, a bit! :O the one fear though is the tutor >< he's going to take one listen to my playing and puke blood. Ok not as if he's never heard me, but I wasn't playing alone that time. So when he does experience the full power of my lousiness he is going to shrivel up and die. x_x

Lindariel

Band Concert, Stress and Starving

Hey guys! ^_^

I haven't posted for a bit I think! And I've got quite a bit to update on! Haha this might as well become my personal blog lol I post so much diary/rant stuff on here! ANYWAY,

Band concert is on Saturday, please god I don't die halfway through this week! On Saturday during band practice J told me at the end of Sheltering Sky that I sounded good! :O OMG my life is complete! And idk :S because it's a little startling how J's comments affect me, because that very morning he was trying to mimic people's playing styles and he tried to mimic mine. And I was so crushed because I know I have a bad tone; he does NOT have to emphasize it like that! :< And later in the day a simple thumbs up after we finish a piece completely makes my day. I was totally surprised! I thought he was about to roll my playing up in a ball and throw it out the metaphorical window and instead he compliments me! I'm guessing that I've developed a sort of crush on him! >< As in that sort of admiring crush, not the head-over-heels crush. I still think he's an ass.

Well, no time for me to get complacent! Need to clock in as much self-practice as I can this week. Anyhow, I've come up with Preparing for a Band Concert in Ten Simple Steps: Lindariel Edition:

1. Write fingering everywhere
2. Practice like mad
3. Walk around with pieces playing in head
4. Sell tickets
5. Buzz until mum gets annoyed (sorry mum!)
6. Freak out
7. Practice some more
8. Feel awful about own playing and realise there is no more time to practice
9. Freak out even more and 
10. Try to stay alive and hope for the best!

Optional: Attempt to train diaphragm by sleeping face-down (it didn't work; I rolled over in my sleep) and 

Bonus step: starve all week so I don't have an anxiety attack just before i perform! 

Yeah so I'm starving myself! With Russian twists as appetizer. :) yay! Haha I'm so excited! I am determined not to cave this time! I hope I will be able not to cave. I'll be burning so many calories playing yay :D I am happy!

Have a REALLY SUPER DUPER GREAT WEEK and

Love,

Lindariel

F*** "Friends"

:< I am such a pushover. That girl J who calls me her best friend wanted to go for dinner. So I agreed. 6pm. And it is 6:25 and I am sitting here like a stupid derp because she was in school with other friends. >:( I'm never waiting for her again! :( she's good-hearted but I happen to have less time, energy and money than she does. :( I don't care I refuse to eat more than 4 pieces of sushi. (Yeah we're at a Japanese place) she has no sense of urgency! Ugh I feel so foolish.

Lindariel

How's This for Fail Whale?

Ok so I ate so much today I want to kill myself. Milo bar, muffin, two sodas and mashed potatoes. Well... Ok now that I write it down it doesn't seem like quite that much. :( Still more than I expect myself to anyway though.

Anyway, I didn't get the opportunity to speak to J today and on hindsight I don't think I'll mention it to him... He might get angry at V for telling me he thinks I dislike him. :/ Besides, I think I'm in trouble! D: Help...! I heard the band major talking to the teacher and I'm quite sure she mentioned my name. :( I am bracing myself for a HUGE scolding on Saturday! Though I don't really know what I've done :S

Tomorrow I have to eat I think; I'm sitting with the class at lunch or they will raise a stink about it if I don't. Grr! Well I could always sit there and Carey out mindless chitchat. Humph!

A Certain Screwed Up Euphonium Section

Hey dears <3

This is going to be one of my rambling posts again. I might as well turn this into a normal blog lol I post so little about Ana and Ana issues these days because I'm always so busy! :( I'm so sorry!

Anyway,

My section is so full of screw-ups that we must be the most screwed up eupho section ever, seriously. Section leader T is a loner who always skips practice well hard to explain but basically he's one messed up dude. Music is J's life... And he's also terrified of pedophiles. >_> The other guy D is in the exco and likes bashing policies. And then there's me lol. I have no idea how V stands the lot of us!

You know how I've been intimidated by my section mate J for AGES because I thought he disliked me because of my lousy playing. Now I thought this, because he didn't speak to me outside of band. But that was because he thought I disliked him for nitpicking my playing, because I didn't talk to him outside band. Because I thought he didn't like me! Like, my other section mate V must have been majorly face-palming at J and I for the past few weeks because we both thought the other disliked us! Like seriously I don't even!

Anyway, the awkwardness quotient just exploded on Friday because J and I just happened to pass each other in the corridors twice, and neither of us said hi because we were both afraid the other would ignore us. -_- so like ~awkwardly ignores~ then he didn't appear on Saturday and I'm a little scared that it's because he felt upset at being ignored & couldn't face me? Because that's what happened with me just a couple weeks back. But I guess I'm being too presumptuous to think someone would be so affected by my ignoring :( I am going to have to clear this up today and I am so so nervous! OMG I am so awkward T_T

Well anyway, I fell in the band room on Sat morning and hurt myself :/ the wound kinda got infected so I am at the doctor now. And I am getting jitters for no reason. I think it's about being somewhere other than school during school hours. Like, seriously I am shaking... Ugh. Mondays have a pretty bad track record as far as Ana and my other mental/emotional crap goes. ;_;

Today, Life is Good. ^_^

Hello my lovely darlings <3

As you probably can tell I'm high and a little tired-drunk x) and maybe a little caffeine residue from the 2 cups of coffee & 1 glass of tea I consumed today. I have been slaving over a GCSE paper report for the past two weeks or so (in case you're wondering the previous post took me 4 train journeys to compete before I posted it.) and today I handed it in! ^_^ And tomorrow I'm headed off to class camp. \o/

Well as always I have reservations, namely, the fact that the group component of the aforementioned paper is due on Tuesday, the fact that I have Chinese tuition homework to finish by tonight, and Perry(paranoia)'s voice in my head telling me that my entire class loathes me and it's going to make for an extremely miserable two days, as well as Ana's voice telling me that I'll have to eat all three meals. BUT I'm going to do Chinese tonight and work on the paper, and I'm going to ignore Perry, and I've already kicked Ana's skinny butt by being good to my body today and eating half a full lunch, in celebration of the paper that I just disposed of. I actually ate potato wedges without feeling guilty! :O

Besides, I'm so happy today because I THOROUGHLY enjoyed band for the first time since I was I was in Fairfield elementary band <3 I still look back on those days with warmth. I'd forgotten so much, it appeals me. Now that I've rejoined the band so much is coming back to me and <3 <3 ~~ well anyway, back to my main point x) I was playing Into the West before band today, and we played all my favourite songs! Other than Les Mis because I can't really play les Mis :P I played really well today, though my section mate J. kept signaling me to play softer/less sharp lol. But I really really enjoyed myself! Throw string bass lesson into the equation and :D you get a very contented me.

I was just jamming in the band room with C after band because I didn't feel like going home... Which I may regret because of the Chinese homework x) but whatever!

So yes, I'll take the opportunity tonight to get somewhat more than 3 hours sleep x) It is 8pm now and I guess I can start work at 8:45 if I hurry, so there's that.

Crappy fortnight :<

Hey peeps! :)

Well I'm sorry for the two week MIA, but I've been having some crap happen recently.

1. I told my junior E about my eating disorder. But I said that it was behind me now. And she was so genuinely concerned that

2. I started this two-week recovery challenge and GUESS WHAT but I only got through 2 days. Then I broke down and lost it. Because

3. Last Friday (12 Apr) The eupho section tutor Mr. Teo refused to see me because I was so bad. I Went to the washroom, and cried a little. And I was so angry at myself for letting my emotions show that I cried a bit more. >( So I'm on my own. And my section mates are really sweet and are helping and coaching me. But the voices in my head won't leave me alone. They tell me that V. and J. are only helping me because they don't want me to be AS big a disgrace to my section as I am now. :( But anyway

4. I skipped band last Saturday because I couldn't face my section without just losing it.

5. This Wednesday the H1 Project Work tutor threw half my project out the window and SH*T YOU WOMAN why didn't you say my project was dumb, on the submitted draft?! :< And it's due this Wednesday. So

6. I am skipping band lunch today because, well, it's lunch. And there are people. Whom i am not close to at all! Besides my BFF C ditched me (hahaha! Not like I really mind lol I understand and besides I can count the number of times she's ditched me without giving me prior warning on one hand!!) and I'm sure no one wants to talk to me anyway. :<

I swear paranoia is taking over my life and mind. I hate it that I feel lousy all the time. And I've been telling E, and she's so supportive and caring and such a good friend. I wish I'd been able to talk to someone like this before! Maybe then I wouldn't have started cutting in the first place that led to my ED. E doesn't play things down and all but invalidate them, but neither does she make a mountain out of a molehill and start freaking out. She just kinda listens, and lets me know she's there for me if I need anything. Why do I have such sweet friends I so totally don't deserve them! <3 :P

Lindariel

Giving Recovery a Trial Run

Hey lovelies~

Ok so this week so far has been a total failure because J. sat me down two days in a row and made me eat. And I think she's caught on about my ed. Ana tells me to avoid her at all costs and that if she were a good friend she would want me to be happy, but of course that's too selfish. And besides, I do want to be a good friend and I realise that's something I can't do while my eating disorder is still ongoing.

So I have come to a compromise; I will eat like a normal person as much as I can for two weeks, you know, just give it a shot. And just maybe I'll be ready to move on from there? I don't know and I want to cry (yes, I am on the train on my way to school) because I'm so terrified of the monsters that appear once I start eating again.

So it's going to be a really rough fortnight, and I hope I make it through two weeks alive. TT_TT I really don't know what's going to happen after that.

Love,
Lindariel.

One day and 10 hours

I don't know why I'm feeling so wobbly! D: I'm not hungry, like I was the last time... I had cravings yes, but i ignored them and they went away, but now I'm just wobbly. Like I feel as if I am going to topple over any minute. :( Maybe I should have a little bit of something this morning, but I don't want to break my fast~~ ;_; stupid body!

FINE I shall have a glass of iced lemon tea just so I don't keel over and everyone would find out about my ed. :(

I've Been Thinking.

"Halt, I've been thinking..."
"Always a dangerous thing!"
-Ranger's Apprentice, John Flanagan. Not sure which book.

And yes, my thoughts tend towards the dangerous. Well I was thinking, and I know that even if I do choose to go to recovery, I'm not going to be the same as I once was, before depression came and beckoned five long and lonely years ago. I'm not going to be the same girl I was before Ana came and knocked on my door last July, confident, outgoing and carefree. I won't be able to look at my friends without wondering if they truly love me, nor prepare a meal without asking myself, do I really need this much?

And the thing is, I'm happy now, but I know I won't be in the future. I'm happy starving myself because I would rather deal with my demons by reveling in the hunger pangs that signify my self control and control over my body. I love this feeling of being free from the control of my physical body. But once I have proved myself, once I have diminished to my primate goal weight, 34 kg, what then? Am I going to maintain my weight at 34? I know it isn't going to happen, because I am greedy and addicted to the feeling of being totally, psychotically in control. Or am I going to push that number lower still? I don't want to get too light; I'm scared because I do t know what will happen to me then. Will I just say hurrah and bring my weight back up to normal? I think that'll be too much for me to handle.

I have to admit that my weight has never, ever passed 42 kg. I've always been a light child and I was 41.6 kg when Ana got me last year. What is going to happen to this monster that is me?

Happy April Fools' :)

Hey!

Happy April Fools' Day :D WOOHOO I didn't have school today. Because my seniors did well for A Levels... And also because our teachers don't want us pulling pranks on them!

So I went to my friend J's house today. We're almost best friends, and I think we would be really if not for my ed :P She loves her food too much, if you ask me.

Well, my weight seems to have plateaued at 39. Where before I might have gained weight by eating such an amount of food my weight didn't go up at all. Nor did it go down when I fasted last week. So I'm ate a LOT today before I commence my fast for this week. Wish me luck. :)

As I write this I'm eating dinner. Then I am going to have something sweet to drink, and thus begins my fast.

Lindariel

My April Resolution(s)

Hello lovely people :)

Okay. So I am officially fed up with my lack of self control. (Haven't I said that at least 86253828837 times before?) This is it. I am going to fast everyday, from 9pm to 6pm the next day, coffee only when I stay up beyond 1am. Otherwise, iced lemon tea on Tuesday. And alternate weeks, water fast from Wed night to Fri night OR until Sat night.

My cheat day shall remain Sunday, when I shall allow myself 100 calories of a cheat food. If I lapse in this regime, I shall make myself do 100 crunches.

Humph. Still can't escape dinner. My mum is a food tyrant, I swear!

Lindariel

I love Wednesdays! (Yeah mood change much from yesterday)

Hey darlings~ :)

Yeah so it's Wednesday, I stayed up last night doing Chem and Math and Project Work. So yeah now I want to sleep again as usual. AND I'm on a (mostly) water fast from last night and hoping to go until evening or so of Good Friday. Will definitely need coffee, though, to boost impaired alertness levels. x) I'm limiting my coffee to two glasses and black coffee so... Um yeah! Besides, I can't overheat today because I don't have the cash to do so! Hurrah xD

I just ditched J. this morning. She's just so clingy and dependent! And she keeps embarrassing us by hugging me in public and god forbid - NUZZLING. Yes, she does. xP no matter how much I try to tell her to stop she says she's just showing affection. Well if you want to show affection bring it indoors! I really wish sometimes that I could break my connection with her, but I feel really bad because we were very good friends in sec 2.

Oh well. Life is awesome with coffee and band practice around! XD String bass lesson today = \o/ yess hurrah! :D

Lindariel :)

Terrible Tuesdays :(

Well good morning, all you lovely people.

Haha I woke up late this morning and just beat my record for getting ready on time! So it rained last night, and it's so nice and cool now ^_^ in any case I think I shall have to cheat on my fast with coffee and tea, today or I'm not going to be able to stay awake! Never again am I putting off Econs revision to the night before a quiz... SAID NO ECONS STUDENT EVERR and augh I've got the feeling I will surely eat more than I'm supposed to today! I'm limiting myself to two drinks and ONE snack. Ugh now I'm craving porridge >( Never mind I have a Math assignment that's overdue = no lunch for you bitch. ;) Tuesdays seem to have a track record of being crappy days somehow. :(

Lindariel

Mind Games Aren't Funny.

Hello my lovelies :)

Yes, it is 12 midnight and I am rushing out an Economics mind map because I have a quiz tomorrow - no, TODAY and I have not touched ANYTHING and here I am on blogger -.- Some time management.

ANYWAY I need to get stuff off my chest, like how protective I feel about my juniors xD and how much I love my BFFs A and C :) I am listening to one of my Celtic Woman albums, and I'm having feels ;_; It's so amazing how I can love someone else so much while I hate myself so freaking much at the same time. And the funniest thing is that today I feel so safe and warm & fuzzy that I'm honestly not even giving myself a hard time about eating a yam bun after 8:30pm. Like yes I feel bad, but where I might, on another day, feel terrible, today I just feel bad.

I keep thinking that my friends are all being nice to me to my face and are complaining among each other about how awfully dependent I am, behind my back. I don't know what is going to happen to me if I found out that my friends really were doing that. I don't think I'd be able to face anyone again, not even myself. :( I suppose it's no use trying to fret over things that really are probably just in my mind - but how do I know they're just in my mind? is the question. I don't know. I just don't know.

Lindariel :)

I Messed Up Again :(

Hey ~~

Well the title says it all, huh? I was meant to fast today but I caved and ate yogurt and a bit of ice cream. D: Why. And I couldn't even drag myself out of the house to practice double bass omg it's such a bad day today. :( At least I'm not eating dinner. I flipped out at my mum because... Ok it's a long story. Here goes.

I studied today, not a lot, it was interspersed with much slacking. But I still finished my bio tutorial and an Econs essay. Not an awful lot, but still something. So the house is an unholy mess. So my mum comes home and bugs me to clear it, when I'm almost done with Econs. So I say, wait. You know how I HATE it when someone interrupts me (oh right you don't ok now you do xP) I think it's just part of my ED and depression and anxiety but anyway. So i clear a bit. Then as I'm off for Math tuition, she starts bitching about how if she moves my things I complain. Now let me make this clear, I HATE that too. Never can find anything afterward. So I flip. I just couldn't help it! I know it was wrong, and that the house DID need a clearing, but... ! ;_; The very idea of anyone moving my stuff just drives me absolutely nuts.

So now I'm sitting downstairs listening to Eric Satie's Sonatas and gymnopedies and trying to calm down ;_;

On another note, *I just found out my band director is gay omfg halp halp whut do I do now* ok not like I'm a homophobe or anything, I'm totally ok with LGBT but this is the first time I'm actually interacting with someone who's openly homosexual and I'm terrified that its going to colour my interactions with him omg it would be so mean but gah I just can't stop thinking about it :P Ew I feel so bad about myself now xP

Haha ok I should really stop freaking at everything but somehow I just can't help it ugh I'm despicable, honestly!

<3,
Lindariel :)

Just a Heads-Up <> Post is Full of my Random Shit

Hello everyone! :)

It's the weekend! Hurray~ ^_^ I hope everyone had a good week? Band camp just ended and it was WAY fun! :) I'm so tired now. And indulging in Macdonalds for the first time in a year. -.-ll My self-control is so crappy. At least it's a spicy meal, and besides I felt a binge coming on and I would rather eat Macdonalds for dinner than 5 bags of crackers and 3 cones of ice cream T_T OMG I'm fat and disgusting why the heck am I justifying my eating fast food. in consolation I probably worked all the calories in the meal off today, I ran around so much. Oh god there I go again.

ANYWAY, Haish back down to earth tomorrow; it's Sunday and I have Chinese tuition work to do //panicks// the tutor comes on Monday this week and I haven't touched last week's homework at ALL. Plus I have cell group and I HATE the youth service. I hate the people! I could spend an entire pos bitching and ranting about them but I guess I shouldn't; it's not nice. I'm SO out of that church as soon as I can. I want to go to the US to study once I'm through high school/junior college/whatever else it's called. I'm in grade 11 this year and I just took my SATs in January heh. So technicallyI could up and go off to college in US now if I wanted to. But sigh have to stay for 'A' levels my life sucks. But anyway I want to put in some AP and Subject SAT credits before I go.

OMG ok I love band well I love the music but I'm such a noob ;_; I am so totally sure that all the people in band absolutely hate me (which doesn't bode well for the future, considering that that was how I ended up hating the people at church. Like, MAJOR ohnoes. :P) Kay some of the seniors are quite nice, and my BFF and my classmate are in band too. Plus I discovered that my section leader T. Is actually a loner who simply has NO interpersonal skills ._. Poor him haha :P Doesn't change the fact that I'm intimidated by him, nor that he doesn't like me :P

Ok anyway xD I should go to sleep and stop being so random xP

Bye!
Love, Lindariel

Thank God Tuesday's Over

Hello everyone :) <3

How's the week started? I do hope it's been better than mine! :P My Tuesday timetable is forever nuts. So yes, I am really, really, AWFULLY and good golly glad that Tuesday is over! 😄🎉

So I'm not going to have much opportunity to fast for the next 2 weeks, because the holidays are upon us! Ta-Da... Or not. I have a lecture test the very first day school restarts. Besides the only time I'll be able to fast is from Wed night until Friday evening this week (actually could have done today too, but I blew it :( Half fainted in Chinese and my classmate made sure I had a meal in school before going home. ) as well as maybe Wednesday evening to Saturday evening next week, and I certainly won't be able to fast during the day like I usually do. I'm not having a very good stretch these few days, and I fully expect my weight to go up to 40 before next week is out.

Anyway. On to happier things. :) My BFF A is coming down to my school on Friday! :D and she, my OTHER BFF C and I are going to try to sneak into the practice rooms and spam Les Mis. AWESOME MUCH!! Besides band camp is on Friday. I can't wait for Fiday~ 😊 In fact I like tomorrow well enough. I have band rehearsal and we're having a master class! Fantasy in French ftw. So excited! So yes, I think I'll set to enjoying the rest of the week, complete with Bio tutorials! Hey Bio is actually ok. NOT. Like Econs. Hmmmph.

Love,
Lindariel

After Day 1

Hello~

Yesterday was pretty bad. I kept feeling hungry - that is, until this morning! Then I went and did my homework. Hunger, as most of us know it, is merely an emotional response. How's that for cool? It also gives me incentive not to give in to my hunger because in doing so I'm giving in to my emotions, and goodness knows I hate being weak and emotional. So that pushed me through today. That, and the fact that somehow I didn't feel hungry at all.

Bad news, though. My mum always somehow has a way of coming home early just when I'm fasting and going great. And cooking dinner, and getting all angry if I don't eat, and not letting me ever hear the end of it. So that's what happened. At least I'd disposed of the meat and veggie before she came so she thought I'd eaten those. But that left the carbohydrate!!! 😤 So I'm going to see if I can get out of that. I ate a plum, though. But not too upset because its a fruit.

Lindariel

Getting Hyped Over a FAST. Am I Normal or What.

Hey everyone!

Yes I'm really REALLY excited... I ate today, quite a bit actually, because I'm a little scared of getting a gastric attack over the next three days. So I had milo instead of my usual iced lemon tea this morning, and a cookie with the drink. Lunch was two eggs - one boiled and one fried - a cup of grass jelly drink and a slice of garlic bread. Well it's not all too bad I guess, since I could have eaten that all at lunch >.<

Also burnt some calories during band; the double bass tutor went really hardcore today. Try. Repeat. Wrong note, repeat. Out of rhythm, repeat. Haha it sounds so gripe-y on paper (or LCD, be that as it may) but really I've been missing the regularity of practicing something over and over ever since he put me on that violin ban! Yeah so now I'm super tired!

By the way, I wonder if its better to drink iced lemon tea or coffee at breakfast. Coffee = more caffeine = kickstart my metabolism but it has milk and iced lemon tea doesn't, and everyone in the whole wide world knows that milk is simply suspended FATS. Both are flavored with sugar - I get them from the school canteen because I don't have time to make coffee in the morning and anyway if I did my mums sure to make me eat breakfast and dump a sickening load of milk into said coffee, which, from my perspective, totally kills the point of making it at home with sweeteners, anyway. So I need my readers' opinion! ☺ Coffee or tea? Leave a comment! ❤

In any case, I'll tell my friends I'm fasting for lent together with my church (or better still avoid the canteen at all costs after the morning when we all gather there) and make sure J doesn't follow me home after school and before Math tuition to know I didn't eat dinner. Lets hope my mum doesn't find out... Ever!

Much ❤,
Lindariel

Mega fast - Wish me Luck!!

Hey there everyone!

ok here's the deal: I'm planning to go on a massive 64 hour liquid fast from 9pm Wed 6 Mar all the way to 1pm Sat 9 Mar. This is going to be the longest I've ever done, so I'm a little nervous. I'm counting on thinspo on Instagram to keep me going! And I'm really quite excited! :D I want to be lots skinnier so bad, and what with all the stress of a new school, that's not taking a lot of triggering to get ana back in action, I've discovered.

What's more, I was right. Free blocks are now all over the place and it's really hard to actually find anyone and track them down. So I skip lunch a lot more easily now.

Happy getting thin,
Lindariel

Happiness is Seeing a Good Friend After a Month!

Hey darlings! ^_^

How is everyone's weekend? :)

Just ate lunch yeachhh but I'm rather too happy to care right now haha xD I'll probably end up really disappointed with myself later (who am I kidding, probably?! Will and had better!) but right now I'm happy. My best friend and I just met up with my really good friend A and we had lunch. A said she had eaten, and I now strongly suspect that A is anorexic, but that's a different story altogether. Had such a good time catching up and laughing, planning a sleepover in 2 weeks...

Anyway, I've got myself a new Instagram account. Secret. Shhhh. ;) It's my ranting /thinspo /depressed spazzing shit vent site. Username is almarea_lindariel. Heh ever since the pro ana forum had a makeover I can't find ANYTHING there anymore >.< so I don't really frequent it anymore hahahaa xP

On another note, I am planning to return to my old 9pm to 6pm liquid fast, starting Monday. It feels real good to be so light and empty, the entire day! ^_^ ugh my self-control is like in shreds plz. I've been just eating like a semi pig over the past 2 months I've been MIA (OMG hahaha pun xP)/AWOL so it's going to take a bit for me to gather speed again. :> Not giving up though! I am now 39.5 kg, and my new GW1 is 36.5. UGW remains at 34. I'm kind of scared to go below that but~ *cross bridges when I come to them and just don't think about it :P*

Happy weekend and much love,
Lindariel

Boys. One Word Says it All!

I'm angry with a boy in my class. >:( We were discussing Singapore's aging population and falling fertility rate in Chinese and our teacher asked us if we wanted to marry, and have children in the future. So J says he wants a wife, but not children. Teacher asked what if his wife wanted children. How did J respond? "Divorce her!" I got so angry. Divorce isn't a matter to joke around about! Yes, I know he was just horsing around wasn't being serious, but still! Insensitive, unthinking idiot!

Of course it doesn't help that my parents are separated. I wish he'd think about who he could hurt with that careless, even callous statement. Well I just swallowed and sucked it up. No point bringing it up; everyone would just think I'm being oh-so-girlishly-weak. Yes, I know I'm weak and emotional and stupidly sentimental, but I don't have to show it. I need to be strong, I must not let anything show, I need to be thin.

Only then will I be strong, and perfect.

Lindariel

I'm back! (After a very long and cowardly hiatus >_< )

Hello guys,

I'm so awfully sorry that I haven't posted for almost three months! I did get home in January, but I have been adjusting to my new school, new classmates, etc., plus I gained a total of 2.5 kg while MIA, and I just didn't feel confident enough to do anything T_T I'll have to re-establish myself in the Ana forum xD and stuff, but for the meanwhile here are some updates!

I just started grade 11 in a new-but-not-that-new school. I say that because everyone from my secondary school moved up and into the co-ed junior college. So I still have all my friends around me. Yay! ^_^ But I have a different class now, of course. And an orientation group. Who thinks I am weird because I happen to venerate Mozart and Schubert, and don't have enough cash to go out with them constantly.

And... ... (Drumroll plz *_*) I am in the band! :D huzzah! I used to play the euphonium in elementary school (hey I was pretty good if I may say so! I used to play all the high notes then!) so I joined the band in hope that I can pick it up again and what do I find? I'm rusty. -_- well, like duh, and I know it will take me a long, long time to get back to where I used lot be. T_T To top that off, my section leader doesn't want me in the section - and very understandably so! What's more is that T. isn't the subtlest person in the world. So I got so stressed, that I requested out of eupho, and so now I'm learning double bass! :D Like how totally cool is that. ^_^ well, the original plan was to join percussion, but there are too many percussionists. So I'm stuck with eupho and double bass at the same time. Well serves me right for chickening out there! TT_TT

So far I've been skipping breakfast regularly, and I've been escaping lunch by staying at the study area and doing tutorials while everyone else is pigging out xD by the way, my weight is back under 40 kg, but just barely! I want to cut out dinner too, but I have to go home and eat T^T

Happy skinny weekend everybody,
Lindariel :)