I've Been Thinking.

"Halt, I've been thinking..."
"Always a dangerous thing!"
-Ranger's Apprentice, John Flanagan. Not sure which book.

And yes, my thoughts tend towards the dangerous. Well I was thinking, and I know that even if I do choose to go to recovery, I'm not going to be the same as I once was, before depression came and beckoned five long and lonely years ago. I'm not going to be the same girl I was before Ana came and knocked on my door last July, confident, outgoing and carefree. I won't be able to look at my friends without wondering if they truly love me, nor prepare a meal without asking myself, do I really need this much?

And the thing is, I'm happy now, but I know I won't be in the future. I'm happy starving myself because I would rather deal with my demons by reveling in the hunger pangs that signify my self control and control over my body. I love this feeling of being free from the control of my physical body. But once I have proved myself, once I have diminished to my primate goal weight, 34 kg, what then? Am I going to maintain my weight at 34? I know it isn't going to happen, because I am greedy and addicted to the feeling of being totally, psychotically in control. Or am I going to push that number lower still? I don't want to get too light; I'm scared because I do t know what will happen to me then. Will I just say hurrah and bring my weight back up to normal? I think that'll be too much for me to handle.

I have to admit that my weight has never, ever passed 42 kg. I've always been a light child and I was 41.6 kg when Ana got me last year. What is going to happen to this monster that is me?