Ok so I ate so much today I want to kill myself. Milo bar, muffin, two sodas and mashed potatoes. Well... Ok now that I write it down it doesn't seem like quite that much. :( Still more than I expect myself to anyway though.
Anyway, I didn't get the opportunity to speak to J today and on hindsight I don't think I'll mention it to him... He might get angry at V for telling me he thinks I dislike him. :/ Besides, I think I'm in trouble! D: Help...! I heard the band major talking to the teacher and I'm quite sure she mentioned my name. :( I am bracing myself for a HUGE scolding on Saturday! Though I don't really know what I've done :S
Tomorrow I have to eat I think; I'm sitting with the class at lunch or they will raise a stink about it if I don't. Grr! Well I could always sit there and Carey out mindless chitchat. Humph!
Tuesday, 30 April 2013
Monday, 29 April 2013
A Certain Screwed Up Euphonium Section
Hey dears <3
This is going to be one of my rambling posts again. I might as well turn this into a normal blog lol I post so little about Ana and Ana issues these days because I'm always so busy! :( I'm so sorry!
Anyway,
My section is so full of screw-ups that we must be the most screwed up eupho section ever, seriously. Section leader T is a loner who always skips practice well hard to explain but basically he's one messed up dude. Music is J's life... And he's also terrified of pedophiles. >_> The other guy D is in the exco and likes bashing policies. And then there's me lol. I have no idea how V stands the lot of us!
You know how I've been intimidated by my section mate J for AGES because I thought he disliked me because of my lousy playing. Now I thought this, because he didn't speak to me outside of band. But that was because he thought I disliked him for nitpicking my playing, because I didn't talk to him outside band. Because I thought he didn't like me! Like, my other section mate V must have been majorly face-palming at J and I for the past few weeks because we both thought the other disliked us! Like seriously I don't even!
Anyway, the awkwardness quotient just exploded on Friday because J and I just happened to pass each other in the corridors twice, and neither of us said hi because we were both afraid the other would ignore us. -_- so like ~awkwardly ignores~ then he didn't appear on Saturday and I'm a little scared that it's because he felt upset at being ignored & couldn't face me? Because that's what happened with me just a couple weeks back. But I guess I'm being too presumptuous to think someone would be so affected by my ignoring :( I am going to have to clear this up today and I am so so nervous! OMG I am so awkward T_T
Well anyway, I fell in the band room on Sat morning and hurt myself :/ the wound kinda got infected so I am at the doctor now. And I am getting jitters for no reason. I think it's about being somewhere other than school during school hours. Like, seriously I am shaking... Ugh. Mondays have a pretty bad track record as far as Ana and my other mental/emotional crap goes. ;_;
This is going to be one of my rambling posts again. I might as well turn this into a normal blog lol I post so little about Ana and Ana issues these days because I'm always so busy! :( I'm so sorry!
Anyway,
My section is so full of screw-ups that we must be the most screwed up eupho section ever, seriously. Section leader T is a loner who always skips practice well hard to explain but basically he's one messed up dude. Music is J's life... And he's also terrified of pedophiles. >_> The other guy D is in the exco and likes bashing policies. And then there's me lol. I have no idea how V stands the lot of us!
You know how I've been intimidated by my section mate J for AGES because I thought he disliked me because of my lousy playing. Now I thought this, because he didn't speak to me outside of band. But that was because he thought I disliked him for nitpicking my playing, because I didn't talk to him outside band. Because I thought he didn't like me! Like, my other section mate V must have been majorly face-palming at J and I for the past few weeks because we both thought the other disliked us! Like seriously I don't even!
Anyway, the awkwardness quotient just exploded on Friday because J and I just happened to pass each other in the corridors twice, and neither of us said hi because we were both afraid the other would ignore us. -_- so like ~awkwardly ignores~ then he didn't appear on Saturday and I'm a little scared that it's because he felt upset at being ignored & couldn't face me? Because that's what happened with me just a couple weeks back. But I guess I'm being too presumptuous to think someone would be so affected by my ignoring :( I am going to have to clear this up today and I am so so nervous! OMG I am so awkward T_T
Well anyway, I fell in the band room on Sat morning and hurt myself :/ the wound kinda got infected so I am at the doctor now. And I am getting jitters for no reason. I think it's about being somewhere other than school during school hours. Like, seriously I am shaking... Ugh. Mondays have a pretty bad track record as far as Ana and my other mental/emotional crap goes. ;_;
Thursday, 25 April 2013
Today, Life is Good. ^_^
Hello my lovely darlings <3
As you probably can tell I'm high and a little tired-drunk x) and maybe a little caffeine residue from the 2 cups of coffee & 1 glass of tea I consumed today. I have been slaving over a GCSE paper report for the past two weeks or so (in case you're wondering the previous post took me 4 train journeys to compete before I posted it.) and today I handed it in! ^_^ And tomorrow I'm headed off to class camp. \o/
Well as always I have reservations, namely, the fact that the group component of the aforementioned paper is due on Tuesday, the fact that I have Chinese tuition homework to finish by tonight, and Perry(paranoia)'s voice in my head telling me that my entire class loathes me and it's going to make for an extremely miserable two days, as well as Ana's voice telling me that I'll have to eat all three meals. BUT I'm going to do Chinese tonight and work on the paper, and I'm going to ignore Perry, and I've already kicked Ana's skinny butt by being good to my body today and eating half a full lunch, in celebration of the paper that I just disposed of. I actually ate potato wedges without feeling guilty! :O
Besides, I'm so happy today because I THOROUGHLY enjoyed band for the first time since I was I was in Fairfield elementary band <3 I still look back on those days with warmth. I'd forgotten so much, it appeals me. Now that I've rejoined the band so much is coming back to me and <3 <3 ~~ well anyway, back to my main point x) I was playing Into the West before band today, and we played all my favourite songs! Other than Les Mis because I can't really play les Mis :P I played really well today, though my section mate J. kept signaling me to play softer/less sharp lol. But I really really enjoyed myself! Throw string bass lesson into the equation and :D you get a very contented me.
I was just jamming in the band room with C after band because I didn't feel like going home... Which I may regret because of the Chinese homework x) but whatever!
So yes, I'll take the opportunity tonight to get somewhat more than 3 hours sleep x) It is 8pm now and I guess I can start work at 8:45 if I hurry, so there's that.
As you probably can tell I'm high and a little tired-drunk x) and maybe a little caffeine residue from the 2 cups of coffee & 1 glass of tea I consumed today. I have been slaving over a GCSE paper report for the past two weeks or so (in case you're wondering the previous post took me 4 train journeys to compete before I posted it.) and today I handed it in! ^_^ And tomorrow I'm headed off to class camp. \o/
Well as always I have reservations, namely, the fact that the group component of the aforementioned paper is due on Tuesday, the fact that I have Chinese tuition homework to finish by tonight, and Perry(paranoia)'s voice in my head telling me that my entire class loathes me and it's going to make for an extremely miserable two days, as well as Ana's voice telling me that I'll have to eat all three meals. BUT I'm going to do Chinese tonight and work on the paper, and I'm going to ignore Perry, and I've already kicked Ana's skinny butt by being good to my body today and eating half a full lunch, in celebration of the paper that I just disposed of. I actually ate potato wedges without feeling guilty! :O
Besides, I'm so happy today because I THOROUGHLY enjoyed band for the first time since I was I was in Fairfield elementary band <3 I still look back on those days with warmth. I'd forgotten so much, it appeals me. Now that I've rejoined the band so much is coming back to me and <3 <3 ~~ well anyway, back to my main point x) I was playing Into the West before band today, and we played all my favourite songs! Other than Les Mis because I can't really play les Mis :P I played really well today, though my section mate J. kept signaling me to play softer/less sharp lol. But I really really enjoyed myself! Throw string bass lesson into the equation and :D you get a very contented me.
I was just jamming in the band room with C after band because I didn't feel like going home... Which I may regret because of the Chinese homework x) but whatever!
So yes, I'll take the opportunity tonight to get somewhat more than 3 hours sleep x) It is 8pm now and I guess I can start work at 8:45 if I hurry, so there's that.
Saturday, 20 April 2013
Crappy fortnight :<
Hey peeps! :)
Well I'm sorry for the two week MIA, but I've been having some crap happen recently.
1. I told my junior E about my eating disorder. But I said that it was behind me now. And she was so genuinely concerned that
2. I started this two-week recovery challenge and GUESS WHAT but I only got through 2 days. Then I broke down and lost it. Because
3. Last Friday (12 Apr) The eupho section tutor Mr. Teo refused to see me because I was so bad. I Went to the washroom, and cried a little. And I was so angry at myself for letting my emotions show that I cried a bit more. >( So I'm on my own. And my section mates are really sweet and are helping and coaching me. But the voices in my head won't leave me alone. They tell me that V. and J. are only helping me because they don't want me to be AS big a disgrace to my section as I am now. :( But anyway
4. I skipped band last Saturday because I couldn't face my section without just losing it.
5. This Wednesday the H1 Project Work tutor threw half my project out the window and SH*T YOU WOMAN why didn't you say my project was dumb, on the submitted draft?! :< And it's due this Wednesday. So
6. I am skipping band lunch today because, well, it's lunch. And there are people. Whom i am not close to at all! Besides my BFF C ditched me (hahaha! Not like I really mind lol I understand and besides I can count the number of times she's ditched me without giving me prior warning on one hand!!) and I'm sure no one wants to talk to me anyway. :<
I swear paranoia is taking over my life and mind. I hate it that I feel lousy all the time. And I've been telling E, and she's so supportive and caring and such a good friend. I wish I'd been able to talk to someone like this before! Maybe then I wouldn't have started cutting in the first place that led to my ED. E doesn't play things down and all but invalidate them, but neither does she make a mountain out of a molehill and start freaking out. She just kinda listens, and lets me know she's there for me if I need anything. Why do I have such sweet friends I so totally don't deserve them! <3 :P
Lindariel
Well I'm sorry for the two week MIA, but I've been having some crap happen recently.
1. I told my junior E about my eating disorder. But I said that it was behind me now. And she was so genuinely concerned that
2. I started this two-week recovery challenge and GUESS WHAT but I only got through 2 days. Then I broke down and lost it. Because
3. Last Friday (12 Apr) The eupho section tutor Mr. Teo refused to see me because I was so bad. I Went to the washroom, and cried a little. And I was so angry at myself for letting my emotions show that I cried a bit more. >( So I'm on my own. And my section mates are really sweet and are helping and coaching me. But the voices in my head won't leave me alone. They tell me that V. and J. are only helping me because they don't want me to be AS big a disgrace to my section as I am now. :( But anyway
4. I skipped band last Saturday because I couldn't face my section without just losing it.
5. This Wednesday the H1 Project Work tutor threw half my project out the window and SH*T YOU WOMAN why didn't you say my project was dumb, on the submitted draft?! :< And it's due this Wednesday. So
6. I am skipping band lunch today because, well, it's lunch. And there are people. Whom i am not close to at all! Besides my BFF C ditched me (hahaha! Not like I really mind lol I understand and besides I can count the number of times she's ditched me without giving me prior warning on one hand!!) and I'm sure no one wants to talk to me anyway. :<
I swear paranoia is taking over my life and mind. I hate it that I feel lousy all the time. And I've been telling E, and she's so supportive and caring and such a good friend. I wish I'd been able to talk to someone like this before! Maybe then I wouldn't have started cutting in the first place that led to my ED. E doesn't play things down and all but invalidate them, but neither does she make a mountain out of a molehill and start freaking out. She just kinda listens, and lets me know she's there for me if I need anything. Why do I have such sweet friends I so totally don't deserve them! <3 :P
Lindariel
Thursday, 11 April 2013
Giving Recovery a Trial Run
Hey lovelies~
Ok so this week so far has been a total failure because J. sat me down two days in a row and made me eat. And I think she's caught on about my ed. Ana tells me to avoid her at all costs and that if she were a good friend she would want me to be happy, but of course that's too selfish. And besides, I do want to be a good friend and I realise that's something I can't do while my eating disorder is still ongoing.
So I have come to a compromise; I will eat like a normal person as much as I can for two weeks, you know, just give it a shot. And just maybe I'll be ready to move on from there? I don't know and I want to cry (yes, I am on the train on my way to school) because I'm so terrified of the monsters that appear once I start eating again.
So it's going to be a really rough fortnight, and I hope I make it through two weeks alive. TT_TT I really don't know what's going to happen after that.
Love,
Lindariel.
Ok so this week so far has been a total failure because J. sat me down two days in a row and made me eat. And I think she's caught on about my ed. Ana tells me to avoid her at all costs and that if she were a good friend she would want me to be happy, but of course that's too selfish. And besides, I do want to be a good friend and I realise that's something I can't do while my eating disorder is still ongoing.
So I have come to a compromise; I will eat like a normal person as much as I can for two weeks, you know, just give it a shot. And just maybe I'll be ready to move on from there? I don't know and I want to cry (yes, I am on the train on my way to school) because I'm so terrified of the monsters that appear once I start eating again.
So it's going to be a really rough fortnight, and I hope I make it through two weeks alive. TT_TT I really don't know what's going to happen after that.
Love,
Lindariel.
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
One day and 10 hours
I don't know why I'm feeling so wobbly! D: I'm not hungry, like I was the last time... I had cravings yes, but i ignored them and they went away, but now I'm just wobbly. Like I feel as if I am going to topple over any minute. :( Maybe I should have a little bit of something this morning, but I don't want to break my fast~~ ;_; stupid body!
FINE I shall have a glass of iced lemon tea just so I don't keel over and everyone would find out about my ed. :(
FINE I shall have a glass of iced lemon tea just so I don't keel over and everyone would find out about my ed. :(
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
I've Been Thinking.
"Halt, I've been thinking..."
"Always a dangerous thing!"
-Ranger's Apprentice, John Flanagan. Not sure which book.
And yes, my thoughts tend towards the dangerous. Well I was thinking, and I know that even if I do choose to go to recovery, I'm not going to be the same as I once was, before depression came and beckoned five long and lonely years ago. I'm not going to be the same girl I was before Ana came and knocked on my door last July, confident, outgoing and carefree. I won't be able to look at my friends without wondering if they truly love me, nor prepare a meal without asking myself, do I really need this much?
And the thing is, I'm happy now, but I know I won't be in the future. I'm happy starving myself because I would rather deal with my demons by reveling in the hunger pangs that signify my self control and control over my body. I love this feeling of being free from the control of my physical body. But once I have proved myself, once I have diminished to my primate goal weight, 34 kg, what then? Am I going to maintain my weight at 34? I know it isn't going to happen, because I am greedy and addicted to the feeling of being totally, psychotically in control. Or am I going to push that number lower still? I don't want to get too light; I'm scared because I do t know what will happen to me then. Will I just say hurrah and bring my weight back up to normal? I think that'll be too much for me to handle.
I have to admit that my weight has never, ever passed 42 kg. I've always been a light child and I was 41.6 kg when Ana got me last year. What is going to happen to this monster that is me?
"Always a dangerous thing!"
-Ranger's Apprentice, John Flanagan. Not sure which book.
And yes, my thoughts tend towards the dangerous. Well I was thinking, and I know that even if I do choose to go to recovery, I'm not going to be the same as I once was, before depression came and beckoned five long and lonely years ago. I'm not going to be the same girl I was before Ana came and knocked on my door last July, confident, outgoing and carefree. I won't be able to look at my friends without wondering if they truly love me, nor prepare a meal without asking myself, do I really need this much?
And the thing is, I'm happy now, but I know I won't be in the future. I'm happy starving myself because I would rather deal with my demons by reveling in the hunger pangs that signify my self control and control over my body. I love this feeling of being free from the control of my physical body. But once I have proved myself, once I have diminished to my primate goal weight, 34 kg, what then? Am I going to maintain my weight at 34? I know it isn't going to happen, because I am greedy and addicted to the feeling of being totally, psychotically in control. Or am I going to push that number lower still? I don't want to get too light; I'm scared because I do t know what will happen to me then. Will I just say hurrah and bring my weight back up to normal? I think that'll be too much for me to handle.
I have to admit that my weight has never, ever passed 42 kg. I've always been a light child and I was 41.6 kg when Ana got me last year. What is going to happen to this monster that is me?
Happy April Fools' :)
Hey!
Happy April Fools' Day :D WOOHOO I didn't have school today. Because my seniors did well for A Levels... And also because our teachers don't want us pulling pranks on them!
So I went to my friend J's house today. We're almost best friends, and I think we would be really if not for my ed :P She loves her food too much, if you ask me.
Well, my weight seems to have plateaued at 39. Where before I might have gained weight by eating such an amount of food my weight didn't go up at all. Nor did it go down when I fasted last week. So I'm ate a LOT today before I commence my fast for this week. Wish me luck. :)
As I write this I'm eating dinner. Then I am going to have something sweet to drink, and thus begins my fast.
Lindariel
Happy April Fools' Day :D WOOHOO I didn't have school today. Because my seniors did well for A Levels... And also because our teachers don't want us pulling pranks on them!
So I went to my friend J's house today. We're almost best friends, and I think we would be really if not for my ed :P She loves her food too much, if you ask me.
Well, my weight seems to have plateaued at 39. Where before I might have gained weight by eating such an amount of food my weight didn't go up at all. Nor did it go down when I fasted last week. So I'm ate a LOT today before I commence my fast for this week. Wish me luck. :)
As I write this I'm eating dinner. Then I am going to have something sweet to drink, and thus begins my fast.
Lindariel
Monday, 1 April 2013
My April Resolution(s)
Hello lovely people :)
Okay. So I am officially fed up with my lack of self control. (Haven't I said that at least 86253828837 times before?) This is it. I am going to fast everyday, from 9pm to 6pm the next day, coffee only when I stay up beyond 1am. Otherwise, iced lemon tea on Tuesday. And alternate weeks, water fast from Wed night to Fri night OR until Sat night.
My cheat day shall remain Sunday, when I shall allow myself 100 calories of a cheat food. If I lapse in this regime, I shall make myself do 100 crunches.
Humph. Still can't escape dinner. My mum is a food tyrant, I swear!
Lindariel
Okay. So I am officially fed up with my lack of self control. (Haven't I said that at least 86253828837 times before?) This is it. I am going to fast everyday, from 9pm to 6pm the next day, coffee only when I stay up beyond 1am. Otherwise, iced lemon tea on Tuesday. And alternate weeks, water fast from Wed night to Fri night OR until Sat night.
My cheat day shall remain Sunday, when I shall allow myself 100 calories of a cheat food. If I lapse in this regime, I shall make myself do 100 crunches.
Humph. Still can't escape dinner. My mum is a food tyrant, I swear!
Lindariel
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