The Start of A New Week

"Where there's life, there's hope, your majesty?"

       - Eugenides, the Queen of Attolia 

          by Megan Whalen Turner

A new week, I screwed up over the weekend, I'm not gonna screw up this week. I'm starving myself indefinitely... And I really really want to be 37 kg by June, but that's a bit unattainable, since I'm hovering around 39-40 now... :( stupid me, not to start earlier. 

Well, actually I did start. Just that I was too weak. In any case, I'm fed up with being weak. Yesterday, I didn't end up getting anything done towards the Econs test later so I'm screwed.  And to top off the shitty Sunday, the idiot who interviewed me about the band concert on Saturday night included my name in the write-up. So now I feel generally disliked and somewhat hunted, so I retreated from Facebook to my Attolia account (which is a virtual panic room of sorts. Just my BFFs and I.) and I'mstaying  there until I feel less... Hated >< 

Not going to practice eupho today and feeling somewhat lost :P I've grown so used to practicing all the time. Uh-oh, this is bad xD need to spend time on studies, too! xD

Here's to a good week, everyone. :)

Mood Swings Are Annoying

Hey :)

Yay band concert was yesterday! And I was having mood swings again, as the title suggests. We had section breakfast in the morning, three of my year mates and one senior. Section leader T decided not to show up. (As usual.)

Then the boys bought poker cards and started playing bridge and I got bored so I left and went to practice :) My section mate J is an ass! When we were moving instruments he asked if I was sure I could carry the vibraphone. If I took it I must know I can carry it, right?! Sigh. Well, forgivable. I do, after all, "look small and somewhat delicate", as my BFF C later told me. At least he reversed that judgement during the photo taking when we were holding our euphos over our heads - and I outlasted the guys! >) xD petty pride much! x) "eh Michelle is actually quite strong huh" indeed xD

But later when I passed a note to V he snatched it and read it. There was a note for him too but I was too annoyed and hurt to pass it to him. ;_; It turns out I worry when I don't have anything else to do; I was fretting myself silly before the concert but once we got moving on stage I was fine. All in all I had a great time and the show went pretty well :) Except for J's file, which went missing with his Extreme Makeover score inside. V and I ran all around the stage and backstage to look for it but we couldn't find it. 

And so this morning I was so surprised to receive a text from J saying that I did well considering I don't have secondary school training, he's glad I have a passion for music, my hours of self-practice did pay off and he was touched that I went all the way to the opposite end of the stage and got scolded just to look for his file. :) well, all forgiven >< I guess being nice does pay off! 

Still a tad miffed that he snatched V's note though. :P

Ten Hours In

Yes! So 10 hours into the mega-fast! I'm pretty mind-blown by how I've changed over the past 2 years. I mean, who thought I would be the depressed self-harming anorexic girl who hides everything behind "I'm fine" and a smile?

I'm not pro-ana, despite all that I congratulate people on Instagram when they attain their goal weights. I think I am pro-happiness. If what you do makes you happy, who am I to deprive you of that happiness in favour of your supposed well-being? But if pro-ana means glamorizing anorexia, nope. Well yes, I adopt Ana as a lifestyle, to help cope with my depression. But put it this way: neither cutting, nor Ana, nor psychosis is good, and if I choose to live by Ana, who cares? It makes me feel happy and in control.

Ok sorry half-coherent rant over x) Sigh. I shall have a glass of iced lemon tea this morning. I'll burn it off later anyway; there's band! :) yay! I don't know when I started loving band so much. I mean, of course I love band, but 2 months ago I was wondering seriously why I'd joined band, and feeling so awful about my playing that the entire feeling was pretty crippling. Now I'm enjoying band, playing together, even though I know I'm pretty bad. But at least I can play something decrntly(Sheltering Sky ftw. Even though it's such a shitty delicate piece because of the tuning and crap.) I'm starting enjoy everything a bit more, including self-practice and even sectionals, a bit! :O the one fear though is the tutor >< he's going to take one listen to my playing and puke blood. Ok not as if he's never heard me, but I wasn't playing alone that time. So when he does experience the full power of my lousiness he is going to shrivel up and die. x_x

Lindariel

Band Concert, Stress and Starving

Hey guys! ^_^

I haven't posted for a bit I think! And I've got quite a bit to update on! Haha this might as well become my personal blog lol I post so much diary/rant stuff on here! ANYWAY,

Band concert is on Saturday, please god I don't die halfway through this week! On Saturday during band practice J told me at the end of Sheltering Sky that I sounded good! :O OMG my life is complete! And idk :S because it's a little startling how J's comments affect me, because that very morning he was trying to mimic people's playing styles and he tried to mimic mine. And I was so crushed because I know I have a bad tone; he does NOT have to emphasize it like that! :< And later in the day a simple thumbs up after we finish a piece completely makes my day. I was totally surprised! I thought he was about to roll my playing up in a ball and throw it out the metaphorical window and instead he compliments me! I'm guessing that I've developed a sort of crush on him! >< As in that sort of admiring crush, not the head-over-heels crush. I still think he's an ass.

Well, no time for me to get complacent! Need to clock in as much self-practice as I can this week. Anyhow, I've come up with Preparing for a Band Concert in Ten Simple Steps: Lindariel Edition:

1. Write fingering everywhere
2. Practice like mad
3. Walk around with pieces playing in head
4. Sell tickets
5. Buzz until mum gets annoyed (sorry mum!)
6. Freak out
7. Practice some more
8. Feel awful about own playing and realise there is no more time to practice
9. Freak out even more and 
10. Try to stay alive and hope for the best!

Optional: Attempt to train diaphragm by sleeping face-down (it didn't work; I rolled over in my sleep) and 

Bonus step: starve all week so I don't have an anxiety attack just before i perform! 

Yeah so I'm starving myself! With Russian twists as appetizer. :) yay! Haha I'm so excited! I am determined not to cave this time! I hope I will be able not to cave. I'll be burning so many calories playing yay :D I am happy!

Have a REALLY SUPER DUPER GREAT WEEK and

Love,

Lindariel

F*** "Friends"

:< I am such a pushover. That girl J who calls me her best friend wanted to go for dinner. So I agreed. 6pm. And it is 6:25 and I am sitting here like a stupid derp because she was in school with other friends. >:( I'm never waiting for her again! :( she's good-hearted but I happen to have less time, energy and money than she does. :( I don't care I refuse to eat more than 4 pieces of sushi. (Yeah we're at a Japanese place) she has no sense of urgency! Ugh I feel so foolish.

Lindariel

How's This for Fail Whale?

Ok so I ate so much today I want to kill myself. Milo bar, muffin, two sodas and mashed potatoes. Well... Ok now that I write it down it doesn't seem like quite that much. :( Still more than I expect myself to anyway though.

Anyway, I didn't get the opportunity to speak to J today and on hindsight I don't think I'll mention it to him... He might get angry at V for telling me he thinks I dislike him. :/ Besides, I think I'm in trouble! D: Help...! I heard the band major talking to the teacher and I'm quite sure she mentioned my name. :( I am bracing myself for a HUGE scolding on Saturday! Though I don't really know what I've done :S

Tomorrow I have to eat I think; I'm sitting with the class at lunch or they will raise a stink about it if I don't. Grr! Well I could always sit there and Carey out mindless chitchat. Humph!

A Certain Screwed Up Euphonium Section

Hey dears <3

This is going to be one of my rambling posts again. I might as well turn this into a normal blog lol I post so little about Ana and Ana issues these days because I'm always so busy! :( I'm so sorry!

Anyway,

My section is so full of screw-ups that we must be the most screwed up eupho section ever, seriously. Section leader T is a loner who always skips practice well hard to explain but basically he's one messed up dude. Music is J's life... And he's also terrified of pedophiles. >_> The other guy D is in the exco and likes bashing policies. And then there's me lol. I have no idea how V stands the lot of us!

You know how I've been intimidated by my section mate J for AGES because I thought he disliked me because of my lousy playing. Now I thought this, because he didn't speak to me outside of band. But that was because he thought I disliked him for nitpicking my playing, because I didn't talk to him outside band. Because I thought he didn't like me! Like, my other section mate V must have been majorly face-palming at J and I for the past few weeks because we both thought the other disliked us! Like seriously I don't even!

Anyway, the awkwardness quotient just exploded on Friday because J and I just happened to pass each other in the corridors twice, and neither of us said hi because we were both afraid the other would ignore us. -_- so like ~awkwardly ignores~ then he didn't appear on Saturday and I'm a little scared that it's because he felt upset at being ignored & couldn't face me? Because that's what happened with me just a couple weeks back. But I guess I'm being too presumptuous to think someone would be so affected by my ignoring :( I am going to have to clear this up today and I am so so nervous! OMG I am so awkward T_T

Well anyway, I fell in the band room on Sat morning and hurt myself :/ the wound kinda got infected so I am at the doctor now. And I am getting jitters for no reason. I think it's about being somewhere other than school during school hours. Like, seriously I am shaking... Ugh. Mondays have a pretty bad track record as far as Ana and my other mental/emotional crap goes. ;_;

Today, Life is Good. ^_^

Hello my lovely darlings <3

As you probably can tell I'm high and a little tired-drunk x) and maybe a little caffeine residue from the 2 cups of coffee & 1 glass of tea I consumed today. I have been slaving over a GCSE paper report for the past two weeks or so (in case you're wondering the previous post took me 4 train journeys to compete before I posted it.) and today I handed it in! ^_^ And tomorrow I'm headed off to class camp. \o/

Well as always I have reservations, namely, the fact that the group component of the aforementioned paper is due on Tuesday, the fact that I have Chinese tuition homework to finish by tonight, and Perry(paranoia)'s voice in my head telling me that my entire class loathes me and it's going to make for an extremely miserable two days, as well as Ana's voice telling me that I'll have to eat all three meals. BUT I'm going to do Chinese tonight and work on the paper, and I'm going to ignore Perry, and I've already kicked Ana's skinny butt by being good to my body today and eating half a full lunch, in celebration of the paper that I just disposed of. I actually ate potato wedges without feeling guilty! :O

Besides, I'm so happy today because I THOROUGHLY enjoyed band for the first time since I was I was in Fairfield elementary band <3 I still look back on those days with warmth. I'd forgotten so much, it appeals me. Now that I've rejoined the band so much is coming back to me and <3 <3 ~~ well anyway, back to my main point x) I was playing Into the West before band today, and we played all my favourite songs! Other than Les Mis because I can't really play les Mis :P I played really well today, though my section mate J. kept signaling me to play softer/less sharp lol. But I really really enjoyed myself! Throw string bass lesson into the equation and :D you get a very contented me.

I was just jamming in the band room with C after band because I didn't feel like going home... Which I may regret because of the Chinese homework x) but whatever!

So yes, I'll take the opportunity tonight to get somewhat more than 3 hours sleep x) It is 8pm now and I guess I can start work at 8:45 if I hurry, so there's that.

Crappy fortnight :<

Hey peeps! :)

Well I'm sorry for the two week MIA, but I've been having some crap happen recently.

1. I told my junior E about my eating disorder. But I said that it was behind me now. And she was so genuinely concerned that

2. I started this two-week recovery challenge and GUESS WHAT but I only got through 2 days. Then I broke down and lost it. Because

3. Last Friday (12 Apr) The eupho section tutor Mr. Teo refused to see me because I was so bad. I Went to the washroom, and cried a little. And I was so angry at myself for letting my emotions show that I cried a bit more. >( So I'm on my own. And my section mates are really sweet and are helping and coaching me. But the voices in my head won't leave me alone. They tell me that V. and J. are only helping me because they don't want me to be AS big a disgrace to my section as I am now. :( But anyway

4. I skipped band last Saturday because I couldn't face my section without just losing it.

5. This Wednesday the H1 Project Work tutor threw half my project out the window and SH*T YOU WOMAN why didn't you say my project was dumb, on the submitted draft?! :< And it's due this Wednesday. So

6. I am skipping band lunch today because, well, it's lunch. And there are people. Whom i am not close to at all! Besides my BFF C ditched me (hahaha! Not like I really mind lol I understand and besides I can count the number of times she's ditched me without giving me prior warning on one hand!!) and I'm sure no one wants to talk to me anyway. :<

I swear paranoia is taking over my life and mind. I hate it that I feel lousy all the time. And I've been telling E, and she's so supportive and caring and such a good friend. I wish I'd been able to talk to someone like this before! Maybe then I wouldn't have started cutting in the first place that led to my ED. E doesn't play things down and all but invalidate them, but neither does she make a mountain out of a molehill and start freaking out. She just kinda listens, and lets me know she's there for me if I need anything. Why do I have such sweet friends I so totally don't deserve them! <3 :P

Lindariel

Giving Recovery a Trial Run

Hey lovelies~

Ok so this week so far has been a total failure because J. sat me down two days in a row and made me eat. And I think she's caught on about my ed. Ana tells me to avoid her at all costs and that if she were a good friend she would want me to be happy, but of course that's too selfish. And besides, I do want to be a good friend and I realise that's something I can't do while my eating disorder is still ongoing.

So I have come to a compromise; I will eat like a normal person as much as I can for two weeks, you know, just give it a shot. And just maybe I'll be ready to move on from there? I don't know and I want to cry (yes, I am on the train on my way to school) because I'm so terrified of the monsters that appear once I start eating again.

So it's going to be a really rough fortnight, and I hope I make it through two weeks alive. TT_TT I really don't know what's going to happen after that.

Love,
Lindariel.