I love Wednesdays! (Yeah mood change much from yesterday)

Hey darlings~ :)

Yeah so it's Wednesday, I stayed up last night doing Chem and Math and Project Work. So yeah now I want to sleep again as usual. AND I'm on a (mostly) water fast from last night and hoping to go until evening or so of Good Friday. Will definitely need coffee, though, to boost impaired alertness levels. x) I'm limiting my coffee to two glasses and black coffee so... Um yeah! Besides, I can't overheat today because I don't have the cash to do so! Hurrah xD

I just ditched J. this morning. She's just so clingy and dependent! And she keeps embarrassing us by hugging me in public and god forbid - NUZZLING. Yes, she does. xP no matter how much I try to tell her to stop she says she's just showing affection. Well if you want to show affection bring it indoors! I really wish sometimes that I could break my connection with her, but I feel really bad because we were very good friends in sec 2.

Oh well. Life is awesome with coffee and band practice around! XD String bass lesson today = \o/ yess hurrah! :D

Lindariel :)

Terrible Tuesdays :(

Well good morning, all you lovely people.

Haha I woke up late this morning and just beat my record for getting ready on time! So it rained last night, and it's so nice and cool now ^_^ in any case I think I shall have to cheat on my fast with coffee and tea, today or I'm not going to be able to stay awake! Never again am I putting off Econs revision to the night before a quiz... SAID NO ECONS STUDENT EVERR and augh I've got the feeling I will surely eat more than I'm supposed to today! I'm limiting myself to two drinks and ONE snack. Ugh now I'm craving porridge >( Never mind I have a Math assignment that's overdue = no lunch for you bitch. ;) Tuesdays seem to have a track record of being crappy days somehow. :(

Lindariel

Mind Games Aren't Funny.

Hello my lovelies :)

Yes, it is 12 midnight and I am rushing out an Economics mind map because I have a quiz tomorrow - no, TODAY and I have not touched ANYTHING and here I am on blogger -.- Some time management.

ANYWAY I need to get stuff off my chest, like how protective I feel about my juniors xD and how much I love my BFFs A and C :) I am listening to one of my Celtic Woman albums, and I'm having feels ;_; It's so amazing how I can love someone else so much while I hate myself so freaking much at the same time. And the funniest thing is that today I feel so safe and warm & fuzzy that I'm honestly not even giving myself a hard time about eating a yam bun after 8:30pm. Like yes I feel bad, but where I might, on another day, feel terrible, today I just feel bad.

I keep thinking that my friends are all being nice to me to my face and are complaining among each other about how awfully dependent I am, behind my back. I don't know what is going to happen to me if I found out that my friends really were doing that. I don't think I'd be able to face anyone again, not even myself. :( I suppose it's no use trying to fret over things that really are probably just in my mind - but how do I know they're just in my mind? is the question. I don't know. I just don't know.

Lindariel :)

I Messed Up Again :(

Hey ~~

Well the title says it all, huh? I was meant to fast today but I caved and ate yogurt and a bit of ice cream. D: Why. And I couldn't even drag myself out of the house to practice double bass omg it's such a bad day today. :( At least I'm not eating dinner. I flipped out at my mum because... Ok it's a long story. Here goes.

I studied today, not a lot, it was interspersed with much slacking. But I still finished my bio tutorial and an Econs essay. Not an awful lot, but still something. So the house is an unholy mess. So my mum comes home and bugs me to clear it, when I'm almost done with Econs. So I say, wait. You know how I HATE it when someone interrupts me (oh right you don't ok now you do xP) I think it's just part of my ED and depression and anxiety but anyway. So i clear a bit. Then as I'm off for Math tuition, she starts bitching about how if she moves my things I complain. Now let me make this clear, I HATE that too. Never can find anything afterward. So I flip. I just couldn't help it! I know it was wrong, and that the house DID need a clearing, but... ! ;_; The very idea of anyone moving my stuff just drives me absolutely nuts.

So now I'm sitting downstairs listening to Eric Satie's Sonatas and gymnopedies and trying to calm down ;_;

On another note, *I just found out my band director is gay omfg halp halp whut do I do now* ok not like I'm a homophobe or anything, I'm totally ok with LGBT but this is the first time I'm actually interacting with someone who's openly homosexual and I'm terrified that its going to colour my interactions with him omg it would be so mean but gah I just can't stop thinking about it :P Ew I feel so bad about myself now xP

Haha ok I should really stop freaking at everything but somehow I just can't help it ugh I'm despicable, honestly!

<3,
Lindariel :)

Just a Heads-Up <> Post is Full of my Random Shit

Hello everyone! :)

It's the weekend! Hurray~ ^_^ I hope everyone had a good week? Band camp just ended and it was WAY fun! :) I'm so tired now. And indulging in Macdonalds for the first time in a year. -.-ll My self-control is so crappy. At least it's a spicy meal, and besides I felt a binge coming on and I would rather eat Macdonalds for dinner than 5 bags of crackers and 3 cones of ice cream T_T OMG I'm fat and disgusting why the heck am I justifying my eating fast food. in consolation I probably worked all the calories in the meal off today, I ran around so much. Oh god there I go again.

ANYWAY, Haish back down to earth tomorrow; it's Sunday and I have Chinese tuition work to do //panicks// the tutor comes on Monday this week and I haven't touched last week's homework at ALL. Plus I have cell group and I HATE the youth service. I hate the people! I could spend an entire pos bitching and ranting about them but I guess I shouldn't; it's not nice. I'm SO out of that church as soon as I can. I want to go to the US to study once I'm through high school/junior college/whatever else it's called. I'm in grade 11 this year and I just took my SATs in January heh. So technicallyI could up and go off to college in US now if I wanted to. But sigh have to stay for 'A' levels my life sucks. But anyway I want to put in some AP and Subject SAT credits before I go.

OMG ok I love band well I love the music but I'm such a noob ;_; I am so totally sure that all the people in band absolutely hate me (which doesn't bode well for the future, considering that that was how I ended up hating the people at church. Like, MAJOR ohnoes. :P) Kay some of the seniors are quite nice, and my BFF and my classmate are in band too. Plus I discovered that my section leader T. Is actually a loner who simply has NO interpersonal skills ._. Poor him haha :P Doesn't change the fact that I'm intimidated by him, nor that he doesn't like me :P

Ok anyway xD I should go to sleep and stop being so random xP

Bye!
Love, Lindariel

Thank God Tuesday's Over

Hello everyone :) <3

How's the week started? I do hope it's been better than mine! :P My Tuesday timetable is forever nuts. So yes, I am really, really, AWFULLY and good golly glad that Tuesday is over! 😄🎉

So I'm not going to have much opportunity to fast for the next 2 weeks, because the holidays are upon us! Ta-Da... Or not. I have a lecture test the very first day school restarts. Besides the only time I'll be able to fast is from Wed night until Friday evening this week (actually could have done today too, but I blew it :( Half fainted in Chinese and my classmate made sure I had a meal in school before going home. ) as well as maybe Wednesday evening to Saturday evening next week, and I certainly won't be able to fast during the day like I usually do. I'm not having a very good stretch these few days, and I fully expect my weight to go up to 40 before next week is out.

Anyway. On to happier things. :) My BFF A is coming down to my school on Friday! :D and she, my OTHER BFF C and I are going to try to sneak into the practice rooms and spam Les Mis. AWESOME MUCH!! Besides band camp is on Friday. I can't wait for Fiday~ 😊 In fact I like tomorrow well enough. I have band rehearsal and we're having a master class! Fantasy in French ftw. So excited! So yes, I think I'll set to enjoying the rest of the week, complete with Bio tutorials! Hey Bio is actually ok. NOT. Like Econs. Hmmmph.

Love,
Lindariel

After Day 1

Hello~

Yesterday was pretty bad. I kept feeling hungry - that is, until this morning! Then I went and did my homework. Hunger, as most of us know it, is merely an emotional response. How's that for cool? It also gives me incentive not to give in to my hunger because in doing so I'm giving in to my emotions, and goodness knows I hate being weak and emotional. So that pushed me through today. That, and the fact that somehow I didn't feel hungry at all.

Bad news, though. My mum always somehow has a way of coming home early just when I'm fasting and going great. And cooking dinner, and getting all angry if I don't eat, and not letting me ever hear the end of it. So that's what happened. At least I'd disposed of the meat and veggie before she came so she thought I'd eaten those. But that left the carbohydrate!!! 😤 So I'm going to see if I can get out of that. I ate a plum, though. But not too upset because its a fruit.

Lindariel

Getting Hyped Over a FAST. Am I Normal or What.

Hey everyone!

Yes I'm really REALLY excited... I ate today, quite a bit actually, because I'm a little scared of getting a gastric attack over the next three days. So I had milo instead of my usual iced lemon tea this morning, and a cookie with the drink. Lunch was two eggs - one boiled and one fried - a cup of grass jelly drink and a slice of garlic bread. Well it's not all too bad I guess, since I could have eaten that all at lunch >.<

Also burnt some calories during band; the double bass tutor went really hardcore today. Try. Repeat. Wrong note, repeat. Out of rhythm, repeat. Haha it sounds so gripe-y on paper (or LCD, be that as it may) but really I've been missing the regularity of practicing something over and over ever since he put me on that violin ban! Yeah so now I'm super tired!

By the way, I wonder if its better to drink iced lemon tea or coffee at breakfast. Coffee = more caffeine = kickstart my metabolism but it has milk and iced lemon tea doesn't, and everyone in the whole wide world knows that milk is simply suspended FATS. Both are flavored with sugar - I get them from the school canteen because I don't have time to make coffee in the morning and anyway if I did my mums sure to make me eat breakfast and dump a sickening load of milk into said coffee, which, from my perspective, totally kills the point of making it at home with sweeteners, anyway. So I need my readers' opinion! ☺ Coffee or tea? Leave a comment! ❤

In any case, I'll tell my friends I'm fasting for lent together with my church (or better still avoid the canteen at all costs after the morning when we all gather there) and make sure J doesn't follow me home after school and before Math tuition to know I didn't eat dinner. Lets hope my mum doesn't find out... Ever!

Much ❤,
Lindariel

Mega fast - Wish me Luck!!

Hey there everyone!

ok here's the deal: I'm planning to go on a massive 64 hour liquid fast from 9pm Wed 6 Mar all the way to 1pm Sat 9 Mar. This is going to be the longest I've ever done, so I'm a little nervous. I'm counting on thinspo on Instagram to keep me going! And I'm really quite excited! :D I want to be lots skinnier so bad, and what with all the stress of a new school, that's not taking a lot of triggering to get ana back in action, I've discovered.

What's more, I was right. Free blocks are now all over the place and it's really hard to actually find anyone and track them down. So I skip lunch a lot more easily now.

Happy getting thin,
Lindariel

Happiness is Seeing a Good Friend After a Month!

Hey darlings! ^_^

How is everyone's weekend? :)

Just ate lunch yeachhh but I'm rather too happy to care right now haha xD I'll probably end up really disappointed with myself later (who am I kidding, probably?! Will and had better!) but right now I'm happy. My best friend and I just met up with my really good friend A and we had lunch. A said she had eaten, and I now strongly suspect that A is anorexic, but that's a different story altogether. Had such a good time catching up and laughing, planning a sleepover in 2 weeks...

Anyway, I've got myself a new Instagram account. Secret. Shhhh. ;) It's my ranting /thinspo /depressed spazzing shit vent site. Username is almarea_lindariel. Heh ever since the pro ana forum had a makeover I can't find ANYTHING there anymore >.< so I don't really frequent it anymore hahahaa xP

On another note, I am planning to return to my old 9pm to 6pm liquid fast, starting Monday. It feels real good to be so light and empty, the entire day! ^_^ ugh my self-control is like in shreds plz. I've been just eating like a semi pig over the past 2 months I've been MIA (OMG hahaha pun xP)/AWOL so it's going to take a bit for me to gather speed again. :> Not giving up though! I am now 39.5 kg, and my new GW1 is 36.5. UGW remains at 34. I'm kind of scared to go below that but~ *cross bridges when I come to them and just don't think about it :P*

Happy weekend and much love,
Lindariel