More Lifestyle Modifications

I was craving something sweet when I got to school so I got an ice lolly. Fruitare brand, pure fruit juice, 70 cals. Which I'll probably burn off climbing the thirteen floors to my apartment.

Anyway, I was inspired after reading Skylar Rainn's blog and decided to devise a rewards system for myself, too - get something nice for myself every time I hit a goal and stay there for more than two weeks. I think one of my first rewards would be a set of nice classy lingerie. My mum seems to think still a toddler or something - insists in deciding EVERY GODDAMN THING I wear or do or whatever and no, she doesn't believe in spending more than $5 apiece on daily wear uclothes. Not even underclothes.

Maybe the second one would be a nice casual dress? For the same abovementioned reason I have absolutely nothing that's between fit for sleeping in and fit to attend a wedding in. Will post link to Skylar Rainn's blog as well as my finalised reward system in the sidebar once I get home :D

Lindariel

Lazy Days (and Ignoring the Fact That Chinese O Levels are in One Week)

Need to report to school at 11 today, woke up at half-past seven, flopped in front of YouTube watching funny Minecraft videos until I moved my lazy ass to get to school. And not a moment too soon either - it started raining ten minutes after I left the house. So now I'm watching the rain and listening to Christmas music in the bus on my way to school ^_^

I ended up eating nine low-fat oat cookies, four chocolate biscuits and an apple yesterday. Not too bad since I didn't have dinner at all yesterday. Probably should have killed the idea of the chocolate biscuits though :P I'll have to take dinner tonight, no getting out of that this time. So I'll just starve myself for the rest of the day with the exception of an apple. :P I love fruits, especially juicy ones. Won't give 'em up for anything! xD Oh well at least it's a negative calorie food. ^_^

Day 1: The Cake is a LIE. (Well Duh Obviously >.< )

Ok so today I woke up late, in the mood not to show my face to ANYONE, almost didn't go to church and ended up eating 3 chocolate biscuits( I wonder how many calories a chocolate biscuit contains) and a handful of raisins before I actually moved my lazy ass off to the 9am service. Lesson learnt: always leave early with mum on Sundays.

THEN after church, The (Nurse) Great Aunt comes along with donuts. So I have one, just to appease her. And now The Family is having a dinner gathering. One of these days I'm going to tear my hair completely out with frustration. (Ok well, the chocolate biscuits and raisins were my fault. At least I managed to stop myself after three instead of eating the entire pack of four. I'm going to make my mum eat those biscuits tomorrow; they're superb binge fodder. Which, needless to say, is part of what's making me mad at it & myself & the world at large.)

Oh well as Pastor says, yesterday ended last night and today ends with tonight and will become tomorrow's yesterday a dinner with nice (if slightly condescending/overly-concerned) great-aunts (oh but seriously there's one who really is nice (= ) and amusing cousins. The only downside is that there's food involved. =,=||

Love, Lindariel <3

Diet Modifications

All-righty. Guess who's got a sparkly new blogger app on her iPod :D Now I can post anytime anywhere even without internet connection!

Anyway, my Grandaunt came over after the loanshark fiasco to act as protector - sweet of her yes, but that meant that I had to eat (she used to be a nurse, oh, joy) and could not go online to post here or weigh myself. So I ate. A lot. And I probably gained weight. A lot.

And on top of that teachers have been bringing stuff in for us to eat like farewell presents. I never did get it, just saying. All that food does is show that they can't be bothered to think presents through. What's more a bazaar just set up opposite the road. I have to admit, I'm sorely tempted by the cotton candy (the rest of the foodstuff is too greasy to warrant notice, diet or no).

So, I'm making some modifications to my diet. I'm going back onto the 9am - 4pm weekday water fast, with no exceptions except on weekends when I have to eat at home with mum. Skip at least one meal a day, except for Saturday. Will update on how the new plan goes! :D

Love, Lindariel

Down in the Dumps

Hello dears~

Gah. Yesterday I binged. On cake. Well it was home-made and had less oil and sugar, but STILL. >( What's more, loansharks came to harass the neighbours at 4+am OF ALL UNHOLY TIMES OF THE NIGHT/DAY! So I had exactly 4 hours of sleep last night, since I was up finishing my Literature creative portfolio submission.

So, that makes for a tired, cranky morning spent in the nice cold dark computer lab during free block. Good thing it's free block, or I'd be asleep in either Math or Chinese now! xP Meanwhile I am having this big existential crisis (What do I exist for? Am I who I perceive myself to be or who others perceive me to be and why? Do I necessarily have to exist to be perceived?) questions only a die-hard nerd like me considers purely to torture my brain. Apart from entertaining irrational fears of getting followed home by a gun-wielding loanshark (Oh come on! Guns aren't even legal in Singapore! xP )that is.

Oh well. I probably ought to get my fat lazy ass down to the track and go running or something to up the endorphins but I'm just too darn sleepy xD

Love, Lindariel :)

P/S: a rather late SHOUT-OUT to all who started 'O' Levels yesterday! :D Sorry I post this only now: I haven't had time to go online on a pc since Sunday and I can't post from my iPod. >///< All the best and good luck/ganbatte/jiayou to everyone! :D

Encouragement and the Food Diary of a Die-Hard Nerd

Hi darlings :D

I just joined Jade's Pro-Ana Lifestyle Forum (link on the side) last night and it's wonderful <3 So many strong and beautiful girls, and so much encouragement! I strongly encourage all the pro-Ana/Mia girls out there to ~go~ ~join~. Anyway, one big thing that struck me and stuck with me as I was reading through just now: Beautiful is both on the outside, as well as on the inside. No matter how ugly we think we look, as long as we don't give up and backslide, we're beautiful inside and we're slowly getting there. ~feel the love ^_^ ~

I also started my food diary today. I'm using Lord of the Rings runes (Trust a nerd like me to do such a thing xD ) and haha xD I tried writing ONE entry and it took me half an hour, the runes are so crazily complicated and all so SIMILAR! xD Hopefully I'll get better as I go along xP

Keep the skinny-ness flowing,

Lindariel <3

Beancurd

Hi darlings! ^_^

Bright and cheery morning with impending showers :P The monsoon season officially kicked in day before yesterday and it has been rained five times each day. Meanwhile my mum has been acting weird and opening chocolates (I suspect to try to get me to eat more - she generally doesn't have a big sweet tooth) and other junk, which I have been ignoring except for a crumb of chocolate that fell out of the packet onto the table.

Just had a bowl of cold beancurd with brown sugar syrup (most of which I threw away). Beancurd is awesome. It's packed with proteins so it keeps you full, it's cold and smooth, it's low-cal (unless you scarf all the syrup, that is) and it's pretty cheap - 80 cents for a decent-sized bowl. AND it should last me past 4pm. I get my beancurd fix from a food centre near my place, about a 5-minute bus ride away. So, I walk there. Good exercise. Burns cals. >D ~BURN, CALS, BURN!!~

I love that I live on a high rise apartment block on a hill - simply getting home from the bottom of the hill takes me up 13 floors, a 55-step staircase and 2 more flights of 10 steps. Burns about 100 cals coming home. AND my dad's place is even more epic - 16th floor. So I do 16 and then another 13 whenever I go to his place.

Speaking of which, I get my lovely laptop back on Monday~ \o/ I'm happy ^_^

Love, Lindariel

My Life is Far From Both Normal and Abnormal

Hi darlings :)

Oh my WORD STUPID ANNOYING JUNIOR. She just chased me off the school computer I was using so she could draw, and bugged me, and didn't thank me, and forget it, it's not worth ranting about idiots like her.

J is trying to drag me downstairs to the canteen again. Silly girl. She's going to get so fat. Oh well, I can't eat, because I didn't bring cash, it's 11:30 am anyway (Who on earth eats lunch at this time?! It would have to last you until 7.) and I am NOT borrowing cash off her. >:) I'm going to go climb stairs later, once I can give J and the Annoyance the slip.

Love, Lindariel

Friends: Further Banes of My Life

Hello darlings :)

Just got my Math results back ^^ ~OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MOOOOOOOOOOORNING~ And J wants me to go to McDonalds with her. =.=|| The glutton. Can't she see that I'm trying to stop her from gorging herself on disgusting fats, salt, carbs, re-used oil and EVEN MORE OIL?! She says I need to kick back. The thing is, why do people think of food as a way to relax? All food does is fill you up, over-full, make you feel bloated, filthy and show you that you have no self-control. Just like J.

She thinks that I don't want to go with her to eat all that crap because I don't consider her my friend anymore, when really all I'm doing is help her to cut down and stop being a glutton. One of the things that keeps me going is the fact that 1) I truly value our friendship and 2)She's going to wish she'd listened to me if she continues to gorge and turns into an obese bag of fats later in life when her metabolism slows down OR she'll thank me when she doesn't, if she stops her habits.

And HELP I AM RUNNING OUT OF EXCUSES NOT TO EAT. I have been on a "religious fast" for ages, and now the excuse is gone because today was the last paper checking session, so my grades are ok and all. I can't keep going "I'm not hungry" or people are going to say something.

Love, Lindariel

Right Now I Just Feel Like Sleeping.

Hello darlings <3

My poor laptop is still at the repair shop. :( So now I'm camping out at my dad's place to use his pc. And yes, a combination of air-con, overcast weather, tired eyes and somewhat chronic sleep-deprivation (Since the last week of June I've been surviving on an approximated average of 6.5 hours of sleep a day, and although I can survive on that for at least 3 weeks, ... well 3 MONTHS of that kind of little sleep is an entirely different matter) makes me want to sleep. Until I realise I have a presentation tomorrow.

Stayed in class to finish a group presentation today, thus avoiding lunch. Couldn't escape buying something to eat after, though. Had an iced tea (OHGAWD 78 CALORIES they SO should use sweetener in drinks - fewer people with obesity and diabetes), 3g of seaweed (how many cals does THAT translate to, anyway?) and 4 tiger biscuits. Haha J ate the other 8 that came in the pack without even realising that she ate two-thirds of my lunch and did me a favour. THAT is one reason I don't like to eat. I won't end up making a fool of myself like a ridiculous glutton and buffoon.

Along those lines I feel like eating chocolate. Good thing I'm at dad's: his fridge must be the most unappetizing fridge of all time. He never cleans it. Nor does J's family clean their fridge, but there's still like, FOOD inside that's not bad if you ignore the fridge smell, but hey - my dad's fridge has EGGS and PEANUT BUTTER and BUTTER SPREAD. ._. That's IT. So I guess it's a good thing that I'm here instead of at home where there is... (can't remember lol) well you get the point.

I'm staying at my dad's place past dinner to do more work (can't imagine WHY the teachers are so CRUEL as to make us do presentations even after exams ;_; ) so with luck my mum will think I bought dinner and ate at my dad's and my dad will think I'm eating at home once I get back.

Back to work.

Love, Lindariel :)

Friends: The Bane of my Resolve

Hello darlings :)

Sneakily posting using school computer = >_>
My 3 best friends and I are going out for dinner tonight. No problem: I LOVE them. One BIG problem though: we're having pizza. JUST THINK OF ALL THAT OIL THOSE CALS THE SALT, THE FATS, etc. etc. Ok I should stop ranting. It's a good thing that we found that the vouchers we wanted to use only redeemed 2 pan pizzas instead of the 4 we thought they would. So I only have to eat half a pizza. Will fast the rest of the week in compensation for tonight.

Love, Lindariel ^_^

So Much for a Great Weekend

Hello darlings

So much for a great weekend indeed. This morning when I started up my laptop, it wouldn't turn on! So I passed it to my dad to take to servicing. T_T I do hope that my information is still intact ;_; so now I'm using by friend's laptop while she went to piano class.

For some reason I feel fat as a pig today, and I'm in school recording a song that a friend and I wrote for another friend's birthday :D so I'm skipping lunch. Had a bottle of iced tea this morning: 88 cals, sweet and woke me up in a hurry. Imma go climb up and down stairs now like some random crazy dudette who has nothing else to do xD

Well at least I still have Internet access thanks to my iPod touch, but it doesn't allow me to post. 

Love, Lindariel

Life Gets Messy

Just dropped a pot of porridge and cleaned up the mess. WHY. Is rice so hard to clean?! Oh well. I suppose that does away with the question of 1. Not eating and 2. Figuring out what to do with the food I DIDN'T eat such that it looks like I ate. Aren't I (so not)sneaky. //sarcastic smirk//

IT'S FRIDAY~

Hi darlings :D

TGIF! It's Friday! ^_^ How was your week? I hope it wasn't too bad! :P I love Fridays these days - class ends at 3:30, I come home and every other week, my mum isn't in at night, because she's at cell group! And yes today's one of those weeks. I wonder how many calories a minute playing violin burns; probably more than the 4 a minute that singing burns, especially considering the way I tend to dance and prance around when I'm playing. >///< Not that I play as much as screech. I started learning on my own about a month or so ago, I have no teacher except for the internet, and for once my mum is blessing my musical interval perfection. :P

 I've stopped bringing cash to school (not that I have much - that $2 in my piggy bank at the start of the week has dwindled to $1.80) so I can't buy anything to eat. The corridors and staircases were being washed today so the stairs are all gross and wet and kinda ... lumpy-looking (WHO on earth except me describes staircases as lumpy) so I didn't do my daily climb up 13 floors today.

I am more or less starving full out today, just 3 oat squares (Calorie Count [website] says that there are 212 calories in 56g [1 cup] of oat squares, but how does that work out to individual squares? //Need to go find out somehow//) first thing in the morning when my metabolic rate is the highest. Drinking tea now: tea is always good :) I love tea: it fills me up, and when I put in my dad's 0 calorie sugar substitute (my dad has diabetes - one more reason not to gain weight: I might get diabetes too!) it has absolutely ZERO calories! <3 the tea~ ^_^ I had a plum (I ABSOLUTELY ADORE THEM) and I'll have a spoonful of rice porridge later with a morsel or two of duck. I tend to count my food in terms of what I might eat for one meal i.e. I would eat the rice porridge, the plum and the oat squares for lunch & wouldn't be full so I'm safe for today. :P I don't know if I'm doing it right or wrong, though.

I need to go and alter some of my skirts to fit my waist again: I've lost enough weight that they're going to fall off. \o/ And since my hips are quite big (the bones, that is) & I'm trying to slim my butt down so that my hips don't look quite so big, ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED ^_^

Have a great, calorie-burning weekend my sisters!~

Love, Lindariel

Math = Brain Damage

Hello darlings~

The second Math exam was finally over today. Terrible paper. I can't wait to graduate high school so I can NEVER, NEVER, EVER, have to look a Trigonometry question in the face again! Oh, well. With luck I'll pass this paper. Oh gosh I got my Chemistry results back yesterday and they are so, so, BAD. AND what's more, I ended up bingeing and downing an entire 150 calories of rice biscuits yesterday afternoon! Hmmph. What's more, my mum fried chicken nuggets and made me have 4 for dinner! I tried to remove the skin as well as I could, but it was still so greasy. I've decided to starve the entire day on Friday (my mum has cell group in the evening) as punishment for being such a pig.

Stay strong dears, and remember we're all human, we're always there for each other in our journey towards perfection! <3

Love, Lindariel :)

You'll Be In My Heart

Hello darlings :)

For some reason You'll Be In My Heart never fails to inspire and encourage me and I hope you'll find strength from the lyrics, too!

"Why can't they understand
the way we feel
They just don't trust
what they can't explain
I know we're different but,
deep in side us
We're not that different at all

And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other,
to have, to hold
They'll see in time
I know"

Love, Lindariel

Keep the Fingers Moving

Hello darlings :)

I ended up in a pretty depressive mood today, what with a Math paper in the morning (which was actually not that bad, except for a Trigo proving question, and I officially SUCK at Trigo identity proving), then getting my Social Studies paper back and realising that I got 10/16 when I had been hoping for a 11/16. And J wasn't making it much better by weeping over the fact that she got a 12 when she had wanted a 13. Yeah I'm no good at essays. And my classmates are playing trashy music in the class and killing my ears while they're at it.

So now I have twenty cents in my pocket and I feel like buying a ten-gram chocolate cake in the canteen. So I am stopping myself from doing that by thinking of all the disgusting fats in that little cake, the calories, the value of self-control... I would start doing situps/crunches in class, except that my classmates are around and if I started doing something weird they might suspect something. :P

SO, I get my fingers going! I brought my crochet to school and I am currently *attempting to* sew a felt boot. I recommend crafting as a distraction from food, because your fingers are occupied, you're moving them, burning calories off your fingertips ;) and when you crochet/knit/sew/?? you can't get your hands oily/sticky or you'll dirty the yarn. Works for me anyways!

Love, Lindariel

P/s: By the way I'll start a craft blog soon, soon, give me some time... I'm quite new to this blogging business: I've done it once but kinda gave up :P

The Red Bracelet

Hello darlings!

The red beaded bracelet. Make it or buy it. I wear it when I go out to secretly say that I am proud to be pro-Ana. You don't need to be proud of having Ana but for me wearing this bracelet is like a comfort or encouragement of sorts. It allows other who know of this project that they aren't alone and it gives me a constant reminder of my quest for perfection. :)

Anytime you see anyone wearing a red beaded bracelet, initiate eye contact and point to your bracelet; if they return the same gesture they are ED friendly. If not, then it's just someone who likes red beaded jewellery. :P Some people prefer to add a dragonfly clasp/clip/charm to differentiate their bracelet(s) from just an ordinary red bracelet, so that's what I did.

Sorry for the bad photography :P I don't have very steady hands. I used gold jewellery wire, crocheted the red beads in... The dragonfly was found at a bead shop at Peoples Park Complex in Chinatown - I love the wings so, so much! ^_^ It's really weird and uneven, but for a first try I suppose it's alright. :) I'll probably end up having a few.

The red bracelet is a symbol of Ana (anorexia, the lifestyle). Many individuals with eating disorders wear them. Usually pro-Mia girls wear a blue bracelet (sometimes confused for purple). The Ana red bracelet is worn around the left wrist and the Mia blue one around the right. I know many girls are waiting until they think they're worth it to wear this bracelet - don't do that! It's made to show you're an Ana girl, not to show you're underweight already. Besides, the very fact you are an Ana girl shows that you are strong enough. So please don't wait! 

Stay strong, Lindariel

Mind Over Matter

Hello darlings :)

I'm posting during recess to stop my friend J from making me go downstairs to eat. Going downstairs, yes, good exercise, but eat? No, thanks. I'd rather sit here and post about not eating. :)

Not that J means anything but well - she's a pretty sweet girl, but her one fault is self-control. So combine that with a metabolic rate that even I envy, and boom, you get a glutton. The way I see it is, the less I eat, the more self control I have, mind over matter, and the more perfect I am. And everyone is happy. :)

It just occurred to me that when we say "Mind over Matter" it's really so punny! Like mind over platter, over matter, over mass (and thus weight, and thus the Scale) Oh well I adore puns. :P

I'm currently going on a 9pm to 4pm water fast. that's 16 hours a day. My one weakness is coffee sweets, and sweet tea, so I suppose I shall have to start drinking my tea with sweetener instead. In any case I just blew all my allowance this month on yarn for crochet and knitting, beads, felt for sewing, cloth... the list goes on. I have exactly $2 in my savings at home, and those savings are not going anywhere. SO, no cash for food. Good. :) Now if only I can cook up an excuse or two when my friend tries to make me eat. I don't think she realises I am pro-Ana, though. She can be pretty oblivious at times.

I do hope I'll have more leeway to starve myself to perfection once I change school campus when I move up to the next grade at the start of next year. It probably would be easier to cook up an appointment or two during my lunch break in the new school - it's gigantic! 5000 girls and boys all tossed together (right now I attend a girls school, there are about 2000 of us) probably makes for some pretty screwy timetables.

Love, Lindariel

My Very First Post!

Hello darlings!

Since this is my very first blog post, I guess it should start with some introduction, no?

Well then, I am Lindariel, I live in Singapore and I am Ana. I'm just a newbie; I came across the entire thinspo idea earlier this year... around June, if I'm not wrong. I'm pro-Ana, strongly pro-Ana, *because the idea of Mia and purging scares me*. Yes, I know, I'm a wimp, and the biggest wimp the world has known at that. 

To most people I'm just a good Christian girl, law-abiding, bookish, study hard... Most of why I am going Ana is that I want to prove them all wrong, that just because I'm good and I don't like getting into trouble does not mean I don't have my opinions, feelings and they can control me. Along those lines, I don't do laxatives, drugs, smoke or drink (where could I find them, anyway? Singapore requires above eighteen plus i/c for most drug purchases anyway, and as I said I'm a good law-abiding girl and those could possibly ruin my life more than I want to :P)

I'm sixteen, the Singaporean equivalent of high school sophomore (going on to junior once next year starts) and a self-professed nerd with few friends. I find it easier to skip meals during school term, because (as it is with Asian families) my mum insists that the family sit down for meals together, and EAT. Or I get concerned questions and interrogation and the like. I do try to skip dinner sometimes by saying that I don't feel well, or by pretending to be mad at someone (though it usually earns me a jolly sound scolding, not that I mind - too jaded to care now).

And... here's the big number: 39.5 kilos (or thereabouts - the only scale I have at home is sucky). I've already lost 2 kilos since June. I know I'm not fat, but I'm a perfectionist. And perfection and food happen to be mutually exclusive, no? Besides, I want some control. Control over me. As I mentioned I come from a traditional Asian family, and it's pretty restrictive. Since I don't have choice over what I wear, or do, or whatever, I might as well have a choice over what I eat. Prove them wrong. Remember, it's all about perfection.

Love, Lindariel