The Start of A New Week

"Where there's life, there's hope, your majesty?"

       - Eugenides, the Queen of Attolia 

          by Megan Whalen Turner

A new week, I screwed up over the weekend, I'm not gonna screw up this week. I'm starving myself indefinitely... And I really really want to be 37 kg by June, but that's a bit unattainable, since I'm hovering around 39-40 now... :( stupid me, not to start earlier. 

Well, actually I did start. Just that I was too weak. In any case, I'm fed up with being weak. Yesterday, I didn't end up getting anything done towards the Econs test later so I'm screwed.  And to top off the shitty Sunday, the idiot who interviewed me about the band concert on Saturday night included my name in the write-up. So now I feel generally disliked and somewhat hunted, so I retreated from Facebook to my Attolia account (which is a virtual panic room of sorts. Just my BFFs and I.) and I'mstaying  there until I feel less... Hated >< 

Not going to practice eupho today and feeling somewhat lost :P I've grown so used to practicing all the time. Uh-oh, this is bad xD need to spend time on studies, too! xD

Here's to a good week, everyone. :)

Mood Swings Are Annoying

Hey :)

Yay band concert was yesterday! And I was having mood swings again, as the title suggests. We had section breakfast in the morning, three of my year mates and one senior. Section leader T decided not to show up. (As usual.)

Then the boys bought poker cards and started playing bridge and I got bored so I left and went to practice :) My section mate J is an ass! When we were moving instruments he asked if I was sure I could carry the vibraphone. If I took it I must know I can carry it, right?! Sigh. Well, forgivable. I do, after all, "look small and somewhat delicate", as my BFF C later told me. At least he reversed that judgement during the photo taking when we were holding our euphos over our heads - and I outlasted the guys! >) xD petty pride much! x) "eh Michelle is actually quite strong huh" indeed xD

But later when I passed a note to V he snatched it and read it. There was a note for him too but I was too annoyed and hurt to pass it to him. ;_; It turns out I worry when I don't have anything else to do; I was fretting myself silly before the concert but once we got moving on stage I was fine. All in all I had a great time and the show went pretty well :) Except for J's file, which went missing with his Extreme Makeover score inside. V and I ran all around the stage and backstage to look for it but we couldn't find it. 

And so this morning I was so surprised to receive a text from J saying that I did well considering I don't have secondary school training, he's glad I have a passion for music, my hours of self-practice did pay off and he was touched that I went all the way to the opposite end of the stage and got scolded just to look for his file. :) well, all forgiven >< I guess being nice does pay off! 

Still a tad miffed that he snatched V's note though. :P

Ten Hours In

Yes! So 10 hours into the mega-fast! I'm pretty mind-blown by how I've changed over the past 2 years. I mean, who thought I would be the depressed self-harming anorexic girl who hides everything behind "I'm fine" and a smile?

I'm not pro-ana, despite all that I congratulate people on Instagram when they attain their goal weights. I think I am pro-happiness. If what you do makes you happy, who am I to deprive you of that happiness in favour of your supposed well-being? But if pro-ana means glamorizing anorexia, nope. Well yes, I adopt Ana as a lifestyle, to help cope with my depression. But put it this way: neither cutting, nor Ana, nor psychosis is good, and if I choose to live by Ana, who cares? It makes me feel happy and in control.

Ok sorry half-coherent rant over x) Sigh. I shall have a glass of iced lemon tea this morning. I'll burn it off later anyway; there's band! :) yay! I don't know when I started loving band so much. I mean, of course I love band, but 2 months ago I was wondering seriously why I'd joined band, and feeling so awful about my playing that the entire feeling was pretty crippling. Now I'm enjoying band, playing together, even though I know I'm pretty bad. But at least I can play something decrntly(Sheltering Sky ftw. Even though it's such a shitty delicate piece because of the tuning and crap.) I'm starting enjoy everything a bit more, including self-practice and even sectionals, a bit! :O the one fear though is the tutor >< he's going to take one listen to my playing and puke blood. Ok not as if he's never heard me, but I wasn't playing alone that time. So when he does experience the full power of my lousiness he is going to shrivel up and die. x_x

Lindariel

Band Concert, Stress and Starving

Hey guys! ^_^

I haven't posted for a bit I think! And I've got quite a bit to update on! Haha this might as well become my personal blog lol I post so much diary/rant stuff on here! ANYWAY,

Band concert is on Saturday, please god I don't die halfway through this week! On Saturday during band practice J told me at the end of Sheltering Sky that I sounded good! :O OMG my life is complete! And idk :S because it's a little startling how J's comments affect me, because that very morning he was trying to mimic people's playing styles and he tried to mimic mine. And I was so crushed because I know I have a bad tone; he does NOT have to emphasize it like that! :< And later in the day a simple thumbs up after we finish a piece completely makes my day. I was totally surprised! I thought he was about to roll my playing up in a ball and throw it out the metaphorical window and instead he compliments me! I'm guessing that I've developed a sort of crush on him! >< As in that sort of admiring crush, not the head-over-heels crush. I still think he's an ass.

Well, no time for me to get complacent! Need to clock in as much self-practice as I can this week. Anyhow, I've come up with Preparing for a Band Concert in Ten Simple Steps: Lindariel Edition:

1. Write fingering everywhere
2. Practice like mad
3. Walk around with pieces playing in head
4. Sell tickets
5. Buzz until mum gets annoyed (sorry mum!)
6. Freak out
7. Practice some more
8. Feel awful about own playing and realise there is no more time to practice
9. Freak out even more and 
10. Try to stay alive and hope for the best!

Optional: Attempt to train diaphragm by sleeping face-down (it didn't work; I rolled over in my sleep) and 

Bonus step: starve all week so I don't have an anxiety attack just before i perform! 

Yeah so I'm starving myself! With Russian twists as appetizer. :) yay! Haha I'm so excited! I am determined not to cave this time! I hope I will be able not to cave. I'll be burning so many calories playing yay :D I am happy!

Have a REALLY SUPER DUPER GREAT WEEK and

Love,

Lindariel

F*** "Friends"

:< I am such a pushover. That girl J who calls me her best friend wanted to go for dinner. So I agreed. 6pm. And it is 6:25 and I am sitting here like a stupid derp because she was in school with other friends. >:( I'm never waiting for her again! :( she's good-hearted but I happen to have less time, energy and money than she does. :( I don't care I refuse to eat more than 4 pieces of sushi. (Yeah we're at a Japanese place) she has no sense of urgency! Ugh I feel so foolish.

Lindariel